Hamster Wheel

To be honest I started this blog because I wanted to sell my book “4SELF101 Essential Life Skills” And I had so many ideas for the application of the secrets inside… (#survival guides) and much more. The truth is EVERYBODY can benefit from “getting themselves together” #self development. Why? Because no one under the skies are perfect. I’d like to say I’m nearly perfect but the truth is, we are all “jacked up” in one way or another. So the challenge became “How to live an “authentically me” life, to thrive and be happy”.

Back in the day I tried really really hard to “be loved.” Or maybe it was to capture the feeling, IDK. And so I was very clingy and didn’t really know when to leave… even from my friends homes. The truth is, growing up I wanted to be anywhere but home. And most my secret spaces, under the pink honey comb bush or up the plumb tree brought me peace. Even as a child, I was always a very lonely person. At one point I suffered from what I call “a debilitating loneliness.” After every break-up (and I dated a lot of people) I was plunged into a very dark and depressed state. Looking for love… not just in all the wrong places, yeah, but in actuality I was more of a case of “looking for love everywhere I could think of.” Eventually I got frickin’ tired of not getting what I NEED (very strong WANT.) And one day I had an epiphany… like a soft whisper floating on the wind, which blew thru me saying: “What if it’s me?” Poooooooooooof, in a second my whole world shifted and all that I could see before me was a mirror blocking out even the sun. “What if it izzzzzzz me” I thought. And then, like an erupting dormant volcano came the awareness … What if I have hidden ancient scripts, embossed on my psyche, junk passed down to me from the generations before me… running automatically undetected by me – controlling certain thoughts and behaviors. Kind of like “the sins of the father” or in my case, the sins of the mothers. I could see in my imagination a proverbial hamster stuck on a wheel, not of my making but yet active and moving in me, wreaking havoc in my life (#unhealthy behaviors and cycles.) For instance: How does one “not need a man/mate” and at the same time desperately have to have one? Its like a house divided, splitting hairs or an internal tug of war with your self-image at the center. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said to myself… “Well, hell, is there something wrong with me?” And there was the wind again… “Yes, yes there are many things wrong … starting with, “Who are you, really.” Chasing the answer, took me down spiritual, emotional and intellectual paths of discovery, which many many years later has inexplicably led me here. Here’s what I’ve learned:

To start with, you have to know thyself. Uhhh should I say, BE HONEST do you like you? And if you do, what about yourself do you like? If you don’t like yourself, why not? In fact, right now grab a piece of paper and make 2 lists: 1) Things I like about myself and 2) Things I DON’T like about myself. Add one more list: “Things I am grateful for.” After you’ve finished I want you to think of ways to improve the DON’T likes, and how to CELEBRATE the things you do. Shift your focus from what you don’t like about yourself to being thankful for people and things in your life that are good. You can only love someone if you know them. So the goal is to get to know yourself (maybe all over again) and to fall in love with who you are. You’ve heard it said, “How can anyone else love you if you don’t love yourself.” Notice that it’s not a question but a statement.

Scooch up close and hear this… sometimes subconscious scripts keep us in negative cycles. Counseling is gooooood. And it feels even better to discover issues and get them resolved. You will literally feel a weight lifted, a freedom that you haven’t previously felt. Trust me. Learning to be AUTHENTICALLY You, in every circle in your life is an amazing feeling. But only comes when you are comfortable (and happy) in your own skin, regardless of other peoples’ opinions.

Lastly, I have to say it… To feel worthy of the best, you have to know your own worth. Let me share my secret regarding worth… my value comes from the knowledge that when I was at my worst, Someone loved me so much that He traded His life for mine. And that very act, transformed me being ordinary and on a path of destruction to Supernatural. It transfused royalty into my blood. Moving me from death to life, and life more abundantly. I believe differently, and I walk different, because I know who I am, Whose I am. That’s the secret and the mystery behind it. The knowledge is a treasure that keeps on paying. Get yours, and I can help if you want it. CLICK Here

New Day

Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog Day (Columbia Pictures, 1993) with Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell? Yeah it’s a real classic now, lol. Its about a “self-centered” and very frustrated newscaster who had to report on seeing or not seeing Punxsutauwney Phil’s (the groundhog) shadow. Its the ancient ritual, of predicting a shorter winter or whether spring would show up early. SMH, God only knows who came up with that. Antywayyy, after doing the fluff piece, he went to bed only to wake up to the same day over and over again. It must’ve been like “going ‘round and ‘round the mulberry bush” until the mystery is solved and then…. Ding-ding-ding on to the next challenge.

Do you ever wish you could have a “do-over”? Have you ever made a dumb mistake that caused a relationship to crash and burn? Have you overreacted and said or done something you wish you hadn’t? Or are you in the WTF place looking at your life and wondering how you got there? Yeah I think we’ve all been there. sometimes I wish I could redo my life from age 20 to 35. But a very wise person (my sister) said to me, “You wouldn’t be who you are without all the things you’ve been through.” This is true, living the good and surviving all the bad and ugly has developed wisdom, patience and maybe even strategies. Bottom line, if you’ve learned, healed and grown that’s a good thing.

Listen I am a staunch believer in the Law of Seed time and Harvest. Meaning your soul (your mind, will and emotions) is like soil, fertilizer. Let me ask you, what is the condition of your soil? Is it nourishing SELF and others or is it just … well a bunch of SH*# (dung, crap, poo-poo)? What are you pouring in it? Do you mostly feed on negativity like drama, junk TV … or do you veg on dumb, mindless or harmful social media posts and videos? If that’s a yes, no wonder your life is … well not what you want it to be. Its surely a case of “Garbage in, garbage out.” But on the other hand, surviving terrible experiences can make us into bitter, hoarding, mean, angry, impatient, or even narcissistic or prejudiced people. Whatever you do, good or bad – seeds are planted. I’m mean we are planting seeds all the time, every day, everywhere we go… and those seeds grow from plants to trees (with roots) and they create fruit that falls into the lives of those who are closest, our children, family, neighbors, friends, and eventually the community & world.

When we eat and survive off of our own toxic fruit, our own lives decline. Living in hurt, pain, regret or plain ole brokenness are bitter roots and essentially grow miserable and unhappy lives. Imagine that being the legacy you pass on to your kids, and the following generations (I shudder.)

On the other hand… the good news is if you plant good, positive, healthy seeds, you can actually grow yourself a good and happy life. This may go right over your head, but … GOD IS GOOD. The Book says, it is HE that gives us the will and the ability to do (and have) good. God has given each of us the FREEDOM of CHOICE. You could choose today to live differently. As long as you live tomorrow will be a new day.

End each day with a SELF-Assessment. Start a journal. Write down all the things you are not happy with and to change them. And then write down all the things you are thankful for and repeat your list out loud. (#Thank God). Surrender all your negativity to Him and ask for the strength to do better tomorrow. Go to sleep on a good note and then tomorrow, will be a different kind of new day. Wake up THANKFUL for a new day, not everybody woke up… but you did. Be intentional to make today a good one. That means be work to stay on the path of goodness and if you fall off, get back on. Protect your focus, redirect it as often as necessary, be unbothered, forgive often, and be thankful AND DO GOOD TO OTHERS (period. It should not depend on how they act) and smile … you will plant good seeds. But, beware… if you don’t dig up the bad, the ugly the rotten roots, they will choke out your good ones. So… work on that, always work on that. And know time does not heal all things, you may have to get some help (uh the right help… ya may need a professional). There is no shame in that. Look, if you have a rotten tooth, you gonna let time take care it OR operate on yourself? (#head-tilt)

If you find yourSELF struggling, and you need a little help, as always, I got you! CLICK HERE

Starting Again

Wanna know something? Being able to start over is a blessing. Although I have to admit, having to start over after a failure, a miserable destructive ending of something you put all your energy into… literally bites (#sux) ... doesn’t feel good. Lol, had to just pull you all in. But no matter howwwww it feeeeels, its still a good thing, or at least it can be, it all has to do with one’s perspective.

There’s a “clumsy me” story that I told my family like 20 years ago that they still laughs until they cry when ONE OF THEM brings up. And just to prove to myself that I am over the total embarrassment of it, I will share with you. When I was in high school a long long time ago, in the 1980’s (the best decade for music), it was a fabulous Southern Cal day and I worked at the busiest high fashion mall in the South Bay, Del Amo Fashion Center (Del Amo Mall as it was called back in the day). Our fashion icons were, Boy George, Cindy Lauper, Madonna, and Michael Jackson. I had this white jacket, I mean it really stood out. With squared off shoulders and layers and I often wore the one glove. Anyway, while riding to work and jamming to Beat It (Michael Jackson) I was picking up speed until the corner of a planter stopped my bike mid-stride. The bike stopped but I didn’t, over the handlebars I went. And I went sliding across the parking lot like coming into home base. It very well could have been a “face-plant” except I was an expert at falling right. Man! On a busy street, but because it was coming up the side of the building I was hoping no one noticed. I got up, dusted myself off, checked for tears in my clothing and began to look around. And right in front of me was the shuttle bus driver laughing his head off. I shook my head, thinking “Anji, you’ve got to be more careful” blushing and feeling real crazy, I waved, got back on my bike and made it to work… on time.

My point is, even if you face plant, get back up and get on the bike again. Here’s the thing tho, in order to make it somewhere, you have to have a vision of where you’re going. The Book says, “Without a vision, people die off, they perish, they cease to exist.” Over time, idleness gives you too much time to stumble and fumble your way through life. I mean folks just be lazy or have no ambition… and they waste their time, talent and life away. SMH. Scooch up close and hear me.

ITS NEVER TOO LATE TO START AGAIN.

You may be scared to death, after failing, being robbed, violated and or abused, or seeing others fail. You may have stage fright, have analysis paralysis or you may just be shy. Even if you have no confidence in your SELF… dang it… FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT! Imma be really blunt with you right now… You cannot make it alone, nor can you figure out “what you were made for.” The ONLY place to discover your purpose is to connect with your Maker and participate in a community of believers (like-minded folks.) And I am here to say, that’s not always easy to do. Who hasn’t been angry with God and angry with people? So many of us have had bad “religious” experiences… and yeah people suck (sometimes). But what people tend to do is stop associating and when they do, they also turn their backs on God too, as if He’s at fault for every bad thing that has happened, essentially “throwing the baby out with the bath water.” But don’t be tricked, God is the only One Who can see beyond what we can. Step #1: Humble yourself and ask. And even if you don’t believe in God (I’m sure you have your reasons) but try it anyway. Just say to the universe… “God if you are real, come into my life and show me the way.” AND BE OPEN! If nothing happens you haven’t lost a thing… but I promise you, something interesting will happen. Resist the temptation to “explain it away” just go with it and keep your eyes open.

Starting over with your eyes open, and trying things you’ve never tried before will begin to paint beautiful colors on the canvas of your life. Life is what you make it. Stop being angry at the world and learn to make your SELF happy. And good things will come. Keep your head up and if you need help… as always, I got you. CLICK HERE

Forgiveness = Freedom

We all have a story. Many have had horrendous things happen, which they had no control over. Those are the times when its just impossible to forgive. And nothing hurts worse than being hurt or betrayed by someone you trusted. People say… give it some time, time heals all wounds. It’s true, most things after time stop hurting, as long as you leave them alone. That thing may have scabbed over, the redness and puss may have disappeared, but that does not mean it’s all healed up.

Imagine, if you would, having a little backyard that you work so hard to keep groomed. And in the corner, where the fence comes together, very near the back side of your house, is an apple tree. You may not be a fan of apples but its good for food and shade – so you tolerate it. But every season it produces more apples than you can eat, sell or give away. They drop in the roof’s drain, all over the yard AND NOW even into your neighbor’s yard. What are your options? You can pluck all the apples off as soon as they grow. You can ignore the situation and be a slave to constant cleaning and complaints from your neighbor or you can cut the tree back to the stump to delay growth. But over time the apples will eventually return. Funny thing about apples, they are just FRUIT of a deeper problem. And whether you want it or not you’ll be dropping apples in everyone’s yard around you until you fix the problem (#Issues and Monkies).

Sometimes you deserve to be angry, especially when you’ve been taken advantage of or hurt. YOU HAVE A RIGHT to feel what you feel. The truth is you may never understand where the other person was coming from. But holding onto hurt and pain only causes it to morph into anger, then bitterness, wrath and finally turns into the spirit of murder. In other words it creates a kind of poison that creates illnesses/disease and could possibly take you out or cause harm to others. You think enough time has gone by and all is well and then that thing gets bumped. Something feels weird, doesn’t seem right or you see “red flags” … and then …HELLO MONKIES! And you realize the infection is alive and well. There’s your issue yanking your chain and “making” you REACT in ways that surprises even you… like “going clean off” when someone gets on your last nerve, fussing and fighting, avoiding certain people or situations even self-sabotage. Thems your apples… a sign that something deeper is going on.

What really stinks is while you’re still struggling, the person/s that did the deed has gone on with their life. Apparently the issue isn’t hurting them like it’s hurting you. Every time your issue (monkie) is bumped, your thoughts and emotions drive you to respond (react or protect SELF.) You will remain CHAINED to this person and what they have done, UNTIL YOU FORGIVE them and let it go. I know I know, you’re probably screaming “But you don’t know what they did to me!!!” Forgiveness doesn’t let them off the hook or say they’re right. It just breaks their control, connection and ability to effect how you feel and act. It releases the monkie so that it’s Maker can deal with it, and what they’ve done. Dropping the chain releases you to receive the healing and blessings you deserve. When you drop the chain you are actually the one who gets set FREE! Don’t worry they’ll get what’s coming to them.

HOW TO FORGIVE THE UNFORGIVABLE

1. Fully process what has happened (with the help of a PROFESSIONAL counselor, if needed)

2. Acknowledge what part you played and forgive yourself. (If you were attacked, raped or molested, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!)

3. Confront the person. If you are not able to do so in strength (without crying or breaking down) write it down in a letter and send it to them.

4. Release the chain: Pray or meditate to release all the yuck inside of you and to forgive the offender. Here’s an example of a prayer: “I am hurt and very angry for what ____ did to me and forgiving them is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I need your help. Will you please forgive me for the hate and malice I’ve held in my heart towards them? Please remove it all, heal me, and make me whole again. I release them and they release me. Please deal with what they’ve done and help me go on with my life. Thank you, It’s in Jesus’s Name (the bridge between me and you) that I pray, Amen.” (Remember only God has the power to judge, to change hearts and deal with the soul – yours and theirs.)

For more information on “Monkies” and Forgiveness get your copy of “4 SELF 101” here. If you need help with forgiving and moving forward, I got you (click here.)

New Beginnings

From where I am sitting, at the receptionist desk in the most beautiful HGTV-fashioned showroom in Atlanta… my job until tomorrow, there is the most vibrant hot pink azelia bush screaming “Im the one to look at!” I mean it’s beeeeautiful, but the bloom only lasts a season.  Soon the tender pedals will whither away (and go dormant) until this time next year… God willing. Can you imagine being told, “Ok that’s enough, shed your glory - you’re done until next season.” Silly me, it just seems painful - not being allowed to shine. It seems like having to stifle a praise song, or expressing emotion or flowing in your passion. I would explode! Or I would be very very angry and screaming inside my head… “Why am I being prevented from being all that I was meant to be?!!!” Just stunted and frustrated!

And then I think of a passage in the book of Job (the book in the very middle of the Bible.) Job is scraping his sores and sitting in a puddle of puss. His children have died in a tragic accident, his friends are drilling him about what he did to deserve all this drama and his wife comes in and says… “Why don’t you just curse at God and die?” (you miserable fool.) This man of faith is really struggling so he begins to complain (#shake a fist at God.) And God then tells him:

“Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding.” To which Job finally resigns to the fact that God is The Intelligent Designer of heaven and earth and the sustainer of life, and seasons when he said, “Though You slay me, yet will I trust You.”

Clearly we don’t aways get what season we’re are in or more to the point, when a particular season that we hate - will end. Ehhhh hate is a strong word, let me say, a not-so-fun time in our life will end.  What’s with the season that keeps dragging on and on, aaaaaaand on. And we just don’t get the point. But what we fail to remember is here and now, this moment, right here is just a small piece of the puzzle. Seasons come and they go, old things die and new things (previously planted seeds) spring forth. We must realize it’s up to us to process what’s happening and to respond well. For truly our response has a bearing on how long we remain where we are or the number of times we “go around the Mulberry Bush.” Remember the 40 years the Israelites spent in the desert? I think if we could be more organically connected to the source of life we wouldn’t spend decades in the same season.

Trees are so common we miss the beauty of what they represent. Healthy trees shed their leaves annually, each leave vacates a space to make room for a new bud that will burst forth at its due time. Even though the branches seem naked and tree shoot is utterly exposed the roots are still being watered and fed and the whole tree is still growing heavenward- rising higher and higher. And really, how much control does the tree have in this cycle… not much. Trees depend entirely on “Mother Nature” (The Creator and Sustainer of life) and their environment to keep them alive.  

I guess what I’m saying is … Sometimes I wish we could have the strength of a tree to stand regardless of harsh elements, the trust that even though leaves leave, I won’t remain naked. And the trust that God will provide me with everything I need to live and thrive.  And lastly, in season and out whether the elements are harsh, liveable or pleasant, I can continue to raise my arms and voice in praise knowing that I am more precious to God who loved me (and you) so that He gave His only begotten Son to die for me, so that I could live.

“Easter” is not about a bunny, coloring and hiding eggs… It’s about The Christ who literally died, was buried, and Who rose again in 3 days. To you who might call this “Just another nice story” I would say, do your own research.  There are historical records and eye witnesses. All the proof I need is The Empty Tomb. Remember the reason for the season!

Protect Me

(Photo by: Myung J. Chun / Los Angeles Times)

There has been quite some controversy this week about the “Slap heard around the world” on Oscar Night 2022 when Will Smith slapped the SPIT out of Chris Rock’s mouth. Now… coming from a home riddled with domestic violence, I would say publicly that violence doesn’t accomplish much. And I say it like that because I am an advocate for paddling the bumbum (only when necessary, as a last resort) is a viable option for discipline. To reiterate, stern assertive attention… not violence.

On the other hand, when Chris Rock in the guise of “a joke” insulted Jada Smith and Will walked squarely up and knocked the words back down his throat, I said to myself  “YIKES!!!!! …….. “Whelp, I guess he (Chris) won’t be joking about Jada again.” Gotta know he’s thinking twice about the timing and placement of certain kinds of jokes. Which could actually affect his ability to fly unrestrained “off the cuff” as he has undoubtedly done before.

People say: It was Will’s night, it was very stressful, aaaand… that there had been “priors” (bad jokes from Chris in the past) that may have, in my estimation, gone unaddressed, which probably was a source of contention between Jada and Will. I wouldn’t be surprised if she (Jada) tore him (Will) a new badunch for not standing up for her, I mean who wouldn’t? Number One: Don’t put the attention on me (in a negative light) when my partner’s well-deserved recognition is the reason we are even present. And Number Two: Don’t snatch the scab off of an unhealed sore in the public … WHILE CAMERAS ARE FOCUSED ON HIM, and I am right there next to him.

Many say, Will should’ve waited until after the ceremony to address dude, but in all fairness the joke was given to the world (on camera)… why shouldn’t the response also be? Aaaaand that’s how Will chose to address it. IF my man responded like that… I would have been, in the moment… embarrassed. But later on, it would be the best lovemaking of his life. And I would tell him “Damn baby… that’s what I’m talking about. You stood up for me in a way that no other man has.” I wouldn’t expect him to fight EVERY TIME someone says something crazy, but my hope would be that he maintains the same level of protection even when I am not around. Yes! Stand up for me. Why? Because I would do the same for you. Not in a “Whitney - Bobby Brown” kind of way. But I wouldn’t let a disrespectful action slide… Imma pull you aside (in a private face to face moment) and address it.

There is an unspoken rule in the houses of old, well in the community I hale from and that’s the “Momma look.” Imma set a standard, and not talk too much about it because it’s more about action than it is about words. (“Oh, keep it up and you’re gonna see what I’m talking about. TRY ME…”) And once the harsh correction has been done the look is a non-verbal “Shall we go there again?” The memory (and the heart to heart, #lecture) is what curbs the behavior. I would say: “Will has now set that standard.”

Unfortunately, I don’t think Will Smith will “live this down” for a long, lonnnnnnng time.

30 years from now or whenever the next Black male takes away the Oscar… it will be “Remember the last time this award was given … when Will pimp-slapped Chris Rock….” Man! I wonder if Chris now has PTSD. Those flashbacks have got to be a “mother.”

Do It Scared

A couple of weeks ago we talked about showing the world what you got and transitions. I confided to you that I felt like Supergirl, hiding my real identity. I’ve been praying to move into another industry for a long time it seems and yesterday the communication came offering a job right where I wanted in that industry. And now I’m like…. Oooops things are getting real. And then the fear of maybe not having what it takes - HIT hard.

But the truth is… it’s exactly what I prayed for. No sense in getting scared now! But when I see my life it needs to be about PURPOSE. Myles Munroe says it this way:

“Without PURPOSE, life is an experiment or a haphazard journey that results in frustration, disappointment and failure. Without PURPOSE, life is subjective, or it is a TRIAL & ERROR game that is ruled by environmental influences and the circumstances. Likewise, in the absence of PURPOSE, TIME has NO MEANING, ENERGY has NO REASON and LIFE has NO PRECISION.”

And God knows that I have had my share of frustration and disappointment in my life… even failure. Sometimes I feel like I’ve even had some of yours too (just kidding, but not really.) And so, I have looked heavy and hard into this PURPOSE thing. I’ve heard someone say that the grave yard is the richest place on earth because that’s where all the unrealized hopes and plans go when people die. And I don’t want to be full of vision, service, and ways to change the world when I die. I ant to live out my purpose and I want people to be touched by the life I’ve lived. Once AI had a Non-Profit organization that I hoped I could do what I love, minister to people AND make a living (and leave a legacy) with. AND IT FAILED… I failed ………… hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. (but I learned a lot.) Best lesson of all… If you want a salary good business can do that BUT the GOSPEL IS FREE.

Long story short, what was mixed up is now straight. For so long I was focused on the “failure” and that made me afraid to venture out beyond the safe boundaries of familiarity. One thing is for sure CHANGE takes courage. Not the absence of fear, but the determination to reach the goal line on the horizon. Apostle Sherman Dumas said “Scared? Do it anyway. Go scared, faith isn’t faith unless you bust a move.” Until you put action to what you desire, it will always just be a fantasy. Yes I want life, wider, deeper, abundant… but what am I will to do. Not just that, but even deeper… what will I BELIEVE IS POSSIBLE and then move? Ahhh now you see that is quite different, that’s what you call “a faith walk.” But you have to believe “ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH GOD.”  And with that is this thing about TIMING. You see you can be doing the right things at the wrong time…. And still fail. And all failure does a number on the brain. Do I, don’t I… what if I try really hard like I did before, and things don’t pan out? Do we stop? Well, that depends on how bad you want that thing.

Remember that thing about insanity… Continually doing the same ole things that you’ve always done but expecting a different result. Wanna see something different, step off the gerbil wheel and go step by step a little further and a little further and a little further. Before you know it, you’ll be in a totally different place. Now if it happens to be the “Land of Milk and Honey” that God’s been trying to get you to, that’s even better. But before you go realize this: “To much is given, much is required.” So, count your cost before you start praying for or running toward the fantasy.

I’ve been working towards a goal for several years. I took classes and the federal/state test and failed several times (and that was on someone else’s dime.) But when I realized I might actually have to pay a price for what I wanted, I had to a decision to make... how far would I go, and what price would I pay…#HOW BAD DID I WANT IT. I used my own time, money, sweat and tears… and now here it is! Its no time to be scared, LETS GO! Even if I shoot for the moon and fall amongst the stars that still further than I would’ve gotten if I hadn’t taken one step (#analysis paralysis.) That’s a win.