So it feels weird to say that out loud! FLASH! Why am I suddenly hearing Elvis Presley in my head? When I think of Mothers out there in the media-sphere is see: Lisa Bonet and Zoe Kravits, Goldie Hawn and Kate Hudson, Jada Pinket and Willow Smith, June Shannon and Honeybooboo, uh and if you’ve got some age on ya, u might remember Mommy Dearest (#BetDavis). If you’re like me and didn’t quite “the perfect Mom”, your models might come from multi-media. In the 70’s there were only syndicated families like “Fathers Know Best” “Bewitched” and “The Brady Bunch.” But their families didn’t look like mine. It wasn’t until Good Times with Florida Evans showed the world the struggle- culture of the American Black Family. As spot on as Good Times was, it was only part of the picture. Sampling the lives on the Cosby Show was like a glass of cool water… who can forget the quintessential black mom, Claire Huxtable (Phylicia Rashad) who was both reality and goal. But now there is Blackish and OUR presidential Obama Family.
This week, as you may have guessed, is all about the love between parent and child (#Storg’e Love.) So far it’s the most important of all the LOVES we’ve discussed because it sets the tone, the foundation for all future relationships to come. The love and connection of a mother (or the attention and gravity of the father) can make or break one’s perspective towards handling love. Why is the gaze between a newborn baby and the parent who birthed them so awe inspiring and powerful? I mean its the most divine thing I’ve ever seen. The baby is an empty picture asking/needing to be filled. Not only that, it’s a look of pure love and wonder and satisfaction. It’s an I’ve been waiting a long time for this … and you can see it in their eyes, which they say is the window of the soul.
According to the incredible book “Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You” by James G Friesen, the brain is literally changed by receiving what the baby/child needs from it’s parents during each developmental stage. And when we don’t or brain is literally damaged by the deficiency. Deep huh? Think of the movie The Matrix, the Architect used data, formulas, and scripts to create programs that created and ran a whole world and the people in it.
The interaction between Momma and baby provides the data, scripts and programming their baby will use in every relationship and in connecting with others in their world. For example, think about The Look mentioned above. When Momma looks at baby the message in her eyes has an instant impact. There’s either the “Loving Eyes Look” that says, “I love you and I’m happy to see you.” Which writes: ACCEPTANCE, WORTH, and VALUE on baby’s hard drive. And it literally feels good, the energy of joy, happiness, and belonging is exchanged within the stare and dopamine is released. The brain is nourished in a way that makes it grow in a healthy way. OR there’s the “OMG! What is it now, Irritated Look” in response to baby crying. Baby is crying because it has a need so when Momma appears with harsh seemingly unloving response, trauma happens. Baby’s gaze is met with a cold, unwelcoming, seeming unloving gaze. And this etches “REJECTION/Unwanted, I’m a bother, No love, I am bad” on the soul of the child. Which is like a record that plays over and over inside of the child. Their diaper may have been changed or a bottle given, but emotionally the child was not fed.
What happens to a person if they are not fed? They become malnourished, their growth becomes stunted and eventually they starve to death and die. If this is the case, what happens when a baby requires love and attention and it was withheld, ignored or made to feel bad for having a need? They feel like dying… Over time, people become desperate and willing to do whatever is necessary to live… even manipulate, steal, kill and destroy others. The fact is EVERYBODY NEEDS LOVE, to belong, to be desired and they need security and they need a home (even for their hearts.)
Have you ever felt “retarded” (emotionally stunted), unprepared, not capable of handling the requirements of loving and being loved? Chances are you were robbed of the nourishment you should’ve received as a child. Lack of nourishment, creates vacuum needs and brokenness that causes, Serial Dating, BabyMen Syndrome, Narcissism, Suuper Independence (don’t need anybody), and drama-look at me behavior.
But the good news is… all this brain damage can be reversed. You can actually get what you need and I promise, it will change your life. Meet me here next week and I will tell you how.