Remember throwing a complete tantrum when hearing the words “No” as a child? Shamefully some of us adults are still stuck in that mode… that was me about 5 years ago, but that’s an issue for another time. Noooooo really bites when you want something badly. But here’s the thing about NO, parents that don’t tell their children NO from time are lacking love. Its true! And I will tell you why… Hearing NO builds the ability to problem solve, work through disappointment in a healthy way and adjust. A child that never hears the word NO develops “Broken Fence Syndrome” aka doesn’t understand BOUNDARIES… and an #EntitlementMentality. That’s where someone believes they should have what they don’t necessarily deserve, have not worked towards or earned. And if you don’t give them what they want… they MELT DOWN! Because “NO” does not exist in their world (Mars or Uranus) they don’t know how to process it. Now the reason I say parents are not loving when they don’t OCCASIONALLY say no, they are handicapping their child and setting them up for failure. They only see NOW and not the FUTURE turmoil and utter confusion their child will experience with REJECTION! This behavior, is the fruit of brokenness that parent has to resolve in their own hearts. Not being able to say NO is the “fruit of a bad root.”
But… LEARNING TO TELL yourSELF NO, is one of the best things you could do for yourSELF! It’s a necessary step in developing SELF-Love, SELF-Respect and SELF-Trust. Be honest, how much love do you extend to people you neither respect or trust? You gets nuthin’ from me if I don’t trust or respect you. So how much more does that apply when it comes to SELF?
Y'all know I’m single and dating, right? And I want nothing more than to have A HEALTHY romantic love relationship ...uh with someone else… besides mySELF, #LovingMe. This week, someone left a note on my apartment door saying, “Hi neighbor I’m So-N-So, saw you at our apartment’s Ice Cream event call me anytime.” That’s kinda creepy, but I was mildly curious so I decided to call… several hours later. He introduced himself and I remembered seeing him walking the cutest little dog though the courtyard. Later the next day, while enjoying the “Golden time of the day” (nod to Frankie Beverly and Maze) which I do often… I love Georgia sunsets, I hear someone yelling “Hey Neighbor! Did you get my note?” Mind you, I live on the top floor – yep, a little weird. But I said, “I did, you should bring the baby (the dog) up sometime.” He responded, “Just waiting on the invite.” I wasn’t sure what to make of it and I just felt some uneasy vibes. So I did that thing I do and that is pray for discernment. As the sun was going down I text him to swing by for an on-the-patio chat and he was on my doorstep in 2 minutes. I greeted him and led him directly through my dimly lit apartment to the patio, he seemed surprised that I had a roommate. That gave me pause, but I didn’t want to judge too quickly. I should gather more data before making a determination… I asked questions, he answered and roommie chimed in… we all talked. Asked how long he had the dog, who was so lovingly social… he said “My therapist, told me to get a dog.” Man I wanted so badly to ask, why… but I figured the answer would reveal itself if he kept talking. Well, in about 20 minutes he made his exit. Over the next couple of days we started texting each other. He asked me to come over to his place and I declined. You see, I have a boundary that I’ve set for myself… and that’s not to go over men’s houses I barely know… ESPECIALLY at night. I don’t “Netflix and chill” I know that’s old… but it’s real. He pretended not to understand… (head tilt). After about an hour of texting, he said… oh do you mean sex? He said he understood, but texted me the NEXT 7 hours (text after text) trying to talk me out of my boundary. He explained, coaxed, even tried to manipulate into coming over to his place for an intimate dinner. Finally I said… If I have not been clear… “NO, NO THANK YOU.” And he said, “We are two adults, nothing will happen that we both don’t want to.” And that’s when I knew this horny old man’s elevator didn’t quite reach the top floor. I would’ve told him to lose my number when I found out he has been watching me on my patio for awhile… but I agreed to go to an upcoming party with him. And I wanted to collect a bit more data so that I wouldn’t cut him off prematurely. Determination: I BLOCKED HIM. No, no, no… uh-uh. You see “No” can save your emotions, sanity, your time and even your life.
Back in the day, I may have jumped at this 6’2, seemingly intelligent, financially stable man. But today, I love myself enough to take my time, gather data… AND JUST SAY NO. Setting good boundaries (and keeping them), making good decisions, and being patient has helped me to trust God and myself.” NO” is the most beautiful thing when the results are SELF-Love, High SELF-Esteem, Self-Respect, SELF-Trust and the ability to do what you must to make yourSELF stronger, wiser and a better person. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy - yep it’s gonna take practice. But I promise, it’s gonna be the best step you can take in your SELF DEVELOPMENT - SELF-Care journey today. Get started and remember to say YES to joy.
For more on The Broken Fence Syndrome, Boundaries and SELF-Care, get your copy of 4SELF101, it’s not just for teens.