They say it’s much easier to get bears with honey, mmmm sweet is good. Ya know, one might use “sweet” and “nice” interchangeably as in “That’s a sweet ride” ... and you know it’s a nice car. But if you’re talking about people sweet and nice don’t necessarily mean the same thing. Anybody can be sweet when they want something and then behave in a nasty way once they’ve accomplished their goal. Ain’t nuthin’ nice about gettin’ got.
Word play is sexy, and I love how shades of one word may be shadowed upon another… like Nice and Kind. Is there a difference relating to how one makes you feel versus the other? Well “nice” is, according to Dictiony.com, being “Pleasing, agreeable and pleasant.” But my new favorite source Critical Thinking is a Cop (@criticalthotcop) Tweeted a very crunchy comparison this way: “Being nice is not the same thing as being kind. Niceness is a social strategy of risk aversion. Kindness is actually giving a shit about people.”
Whaaaaaaat?!!!! Quick! What do we know about nice people… “They always finish last” That’s what people say, though It’s not necessarily true (sounds like a death sentence.) I’ve never taken “being nice” as a negativism before… until well, just now. “Niceness is a social strategy of risk aversion” ???… whyyyy, I’m almost offended. But what I’m feeling forces me to look at myself in a way I haven’t before. That’s what a “good word” does… Shakes and challenges you to SELF-assess, again and again. I hope my writings motivate you to do the same. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut, aaaand it pains me to say it, but she’s right. I have used niceness as a defense mechanism practically all my life without realizing it.
I grew up in domestic violence. It’s not a laughing matter but we used to call them “Saturday Nite Fights.” First there was arguing, and then at the stroke of midnight, ding ding ding, the knock-down-drag-out fighting between my mother and stepdad began. “Pop” was (and still is) one of the most chilled people in the whole world. I felt like Mom bullied him and it made me sick to my stomach. I thought if she were just nicer, most of this bull$#%t would go away. Back then I didn’t yet understand that hurting people hurt people… and the more desperate they feel the more pain they inflict on others. So, I made an inner vow “to be nice., which I subconsciously stuck to even when the Ghetto Diva needed to show up, lol. My display of weakness was not being nice, or having a tender/sensitive heart, it was PASSIVITY, which was expressed through PEOPLE PLEASING. Most nice people don’t want to hurt other people or let them down… but I promise you when people are “overly nice”… there’s a “monkie” (aka inner hurt) lurking somewhere. Monkies can make it nearly impossible to 1). Stand up for yourself, 2) Correct other people when they wrong you and 3) To Just say NO.
The point is, being nice (as they say… to a fault) is a literal STRATEGY (your monkies use to help you) AVOID rejection and hurt. Phewwww, that’s deep ain’t it? The funny thing is… I found out being super-nice doesn’t make others respectful you… it pretty much gives jerks a green light for abuse. NOTE: People will treat you the way you LET THEM. There comes a time for considering yourSELF above others, because sometimes no one is coming to rescue you. And believe it or not, there are times you MUST BE (not aggressive, but) ASSERTIVE. You don’t have to be rude, but know there’s absolutely nothing wrong with getting what you’ve paid for.
How do you get there? You get to the root of your “NICE” behavior. There are other steps that I can help you with, but the last thing is … FORGIVE yourSELF for being too nice and allowing other people to cause you pain because if it. Start standing and speaking up… practice it. Address issues head on (at the time of offense if possible) don’t AVOID them, because holding it in only makes “NICE” people passive aggressive (and that’s yucky.)
For more info on Monkies, People Pleasing and SELF-care get your copy of 4SELF 101 (It’s not just for teenagers.) Click Here.
NEXT WEEK: PART II: What happens in the DARK “Naughty or Nice”