Ever felt helpless? In the next couple of weeks we’ll be taking a look at POWER and the struggle to have or regain it in our lives. Before you say that you’ve never struggled for power, just remember back (if you could) to when you were a toddler fighting over the toy you said was “mine, mine, mine.” This was the time of discovery, as we learned about our immediate world and who we are in it. We tested our boundaries and limits, finding out how much we could get away with was a scientific experiment. Sometimes people let us be “entitled” and other times we threw ourselves onto the floor and had tantrums until … well it was ended with success or bitter failure (and correction.) And memories of success and/or of bitter disappointment framed who we’ve become today and where we currently stand with SELF-power. Sadly some adults still use tantrums to get what they want from others. Anyway, we’ve all got stories, someda I’d love to hear yours, but for now go with me into one of mine…
The day my mom asked “my Pop” for a divorce and he broke her nose was kind of a line in the sand for me. I was between 9 & 13 years old, yeahhhh it was back in the day. We lived in this tiny tiiiiny house and I heard my Mom raise her voice like she wanted to fight, which was not unusual, but because it was still relatively early in the day. I peered out of my room to see what was up. Pop was looking for something on the dresser… but not really. And then I heard her yell “IS IT TRUE?! I want a divorce!” Sheepishly I inched closer and BOOM flailing in my direction Mom fell towards me, and we both hit the floor. Her face smeared blood across the off-white knitted butterfly shirt that I was wearing. Yeah… though it was pretty much the most traumatizing thing to happen in my young life I didn’t freak out. I couldn’t, I was frozen, I mean for all I knew she was actually dying, and I didn’t know what to do (#powerless). She demanded he leave, and the police was called. Just as shocked as we were, he fled the scene before they came. Needless to say, that was the bad ending of another marriage relationship. The ambulance came and took her away, fixed her nose, stitched up her face and life returned to normal-ish.
Deconstructing the moment in my mind, I swear I saw the blow coming in slow motion… but through a kid’s eyes I saw the egregious attack of an aggressive and over the top type person on a passive, now passively aggressive man. There was no doubt who was wearing the pants in this relationship. Well, until he made his point (KAPOW) that she would not control him. Don’t get me wrong, HE WAS (absolutely) WRONG TO HIT HER! I don’t care how much she pushed and poked and baited him. There is such a thing as walking away! But she knew his buttons and she pushed them all until he SNAPPED. Hindsight being what it is, so much more was going on here and who knows how long the frustration was building on both sides. One of the underlying morals of this story is “Hurting people HURT people.”
MiMi and her mother, characters in my book (4SELF101) are very much like me and Lenora. She was a very good example of a strong black woman. She was caring, capable, funny, witty and very very independent. She was the one who wore the pants in her relationships, because she needed to be in charge. But she didn’t understand that in successful relationships, there can only be 1 head of the household. Myles Munroe said “Anything with two heads is a monster.” So, clearly somebody has to back down (or there will be fights… aka power struggles.) Listen, it is sooooo easy to follow in your parent’s footsteps and do what you’ve seen growing up . Or you can just let life happen. Its like being followed by the “sins of the father,” history just naturally repeats itself… UNLESS you intentionally make change. The pendulum of broken relationships can very easily swing from NEEDY to ‘I DON’T NEED A MAN” and right in the middle you’ll usually find “fear of a broken heart” or “fear of rejection” or “fear of abandonment” at the center point. But the common denominator is FEAR. Fear is a catalyst. And giving away your Power or trying to control someone elses is a sure sign of brokenness. Next week lets go get your POWER back… meet me here.