How far back can you remember? My earliest memory was from age 1 or 2 years old. I was sitting on the floor playing with my favorite stuffed animal, a pink bunny with my cousin Nicole next to me. Smh, it’s funny how I can remember this but not my middle school years. No doubt there was more than a few tug-o-war moments over that bunny. Whether I was wrong or right, I was always right, lol. Funny that’s how the immature mind processes things. As long as you give me what is mine all is well. Otherwise “wahhhhhhhhhhhhh!” Sadly, some “grown” folks still use this tactic as a power play. Uhh, let’s move on (for now.)
My passion is seeing women whole, I guess it’s because I was broken for so long (aaaand didn’t even realize it.) But I find that conversation with other women is often like looking into a mirror. Like my conversations with Cassandra, one of my good friends who came to me with some relationship talk… I scratch my head (& wrinkle brow) noticing that things always end up with “the ball is in his court.” She’s a real go-get-‘em kind of gal in business … but in personal relationships not so much. And I told her, If you say, ”Why would anybody want someone like me” one more time I’m gonna smack her. She is a beautiful, vivacious, intelligent, and fun person. I don’t understand why she doesn’t see it.
And then a flag began to emerge thinking about how she mostly answers my questions with: “whatever you want” or “it’s up to you.” Giving me, as she does others, the power to decide her course. And then suddenly POP! Into my head comes the picture of Princess Imani from “Coming to America,” answering all Price Akeem’s questions with “Whatever youuuu want…” Next thing she’s hopping on one foot and barking like a dog. OUT OF MY HEAD, OUT OF MY HEAD! (lol) Listen, in today’s “Queendom” acting like that might be considered a low SELF-esteem moment. Most American black women I know would say… “Oh no, I would tell that fool to go to hell… bark like a dog?… Pschhhh, that ninja’s crazy.” But I digress… anyway. Somehow, being over accommodating and spoiling (without reciprocity) has become the mask of “a good woman” when the truth underneath it all is, we’ve given our power away due to FEAR of NOT BEING ENOUGH (or fear of rejection or abandonment.)
I try not to go “Flo” like in the Progressive Commercials with my friends and family but asking “non-judgmental” questions and just listening can accomplish more than you could imagine. I found that Cassandra’s father used to call her “nothing” “no good” “stupid” and “dumb” over and over again. Chiseling the message of nothingness, low-value and you’re undesirable and unwanted, onto the hard-drive of her consciousness. So that every time an opportunity arose, it was immediately shot down by her father’s words in her head. By the way, he’s passed away… yet his words still have power (control) over her identity… even now. His words have confined her in a box she hasn’t been able to escape.
HOW TO GET OUT OF THE BOX
First of all know, some people must put down others and elevate themselves (OVER their “monkies”) to feel SELF-value. This is super selfish because they never consider the effect it has on their victims (especially children). Yep, words can kill. They can imprison, immaculate, harden hearts, and cause insanity. But they can also have power to heal, build up, strengthen and restore. Faith comes by hearing, but not just hearing… hearing the right words, life-giving words (for best results use the Word of God to transform your mind.) Let me make that practical for you…
1. BREAK THE CHAINS: Face what was done and how it made you feel AND THEN FORGIVE THEM
2. OPEN THE LID: Destroy the word power by “COMING OUT OF AGREEMENT”
3. STAND UP: Speak Positive Affirmations and compliment your SELF out loud (hearing strengthens faith)
4. STEP OUT: Set BOUNDARIES and don’t crumble (Use your voice, let your no be NO)
5. STEADY youSELF: Focus on and strengthen your good qualities
6. Give yourself a make-over and then STRUT YOU STUFF! Looking good feels good
7. MAINTAIN IT: Create a SELF-care (me-time) regiment and stick to it
8. HAVE CONFIDENCE: Follow your own advice and trust your intuition (Get Help if needed)
9. BE BOLD: Sharpen your communication skills, and speak up
10. CONQUER: Show up, BE you “In EVERY Moment” and enjoy yourSELF
Yahhhs, get your power back. But it’s gonna fizzle if you struggle with SELF-Identity. For more info on Self-esteem, Boundaries, Monkies, and Self-Care get your copy of 4SELF101 here (It’s not just for Teens).
Next week it’s The Power of the STRUT. Be here or be square and if you need help pulling it together, you know I got you, just CLICK.