Ok, ok, it’s not exactly how it sounds, I promise. That shocking foul 4-letter word above, is not really a word. Look closely it’s an acronym. Waaaay back in the day F (found) U (under) C (carnal) K (knowledge) was etched onto a sign and hung over the heads of men and women’s arrested and placed in stocks for committing sexual sin (aka fornication or adultery.) But! when I say “FML,” thaaaaat is NOT what I mean… keep reading.
If you’ve ever been in that “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired” place (Fannie Lou Hamer, 1964)? Listen…. I’ve been there too. And although people have this mental dissidence against marriage (yeah I know, divorces are more common than marriages that last) so they say… but I have to wonder if that’s not just the excuse people like to give to cover up their poor decisions and unwillingness to truly commit to that “until death do we part” kind of love. I’ve been married and have also “shacked up” and I have to tell you… they are not the same. Marriage is more than a “piece of paper” or living together. The mindset is different, idk, it’s scary… maybe that’s because it’s a “man swearing before God” type of thing. Ehhh it’s not like it used to be. We are a disposable generation… folks are always looking for bigger or better. The sad thing is nothing is not disposable, even people. Anyway marriage should be for ADULTS, and when I say adults I mean mature and whole ADULTS.
I should know, I married the same man twice, when were 18 and 19 years old. Although I was emotionally and intellectually more mature than he was, neither one of us was prepared for what lied ahead. Pregnant from the honeymoon, I grew up (had to) and he backslid to the streets and he returned to gang-banging. Ricky was handsome and charming and “God’s gift to women” so he thought. He made my life a living hell and when we broke up I hated his stinkin’ guts, for a long long time. I can admit now, that it was a REAL relief (and blessing) for him to leave me for his “around the way” girlfriend, which he later married and had 2 kids with. After shakin’ up with the same type of man and two kids later I realized thangs needed to change. Fourteen years later, through counseling, I forgave and remarried “Suave.” (It’s a very long story - we’ll leave the details for another time.) Fast forward ten years I found myself hating life and hating Rico. I knew the problem was mine when… on that “last-straw” day I basically told him to stop breathing… NOT my finest day, I know.
Rico was fighting a cold, and every time he exhaled there was a little whistle that grated my nerves, like nails on a chalkboard. It drove me to the edge of sanity and I snapped… Between clinched teeth I spit… “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!” He said, “Nothing, just breathing…” And that’s when I said … ‘WELL STOP IT!!!” Hhhhhhh… there’s no justifying my actions. But I knew at that moment I had sunken to a new low. This wasn’t the person I wanted to be… I needed something, I don’t know what, but I couldn’t live another day like this. Nothing I tried worked. So I screamed to my Maker: “God FIX MY LIFE (FML). After fasting and praying, these answers came to me:
1) I literally expected the marriage to fail and had an emotional bag packed just waiting for him to “give me a reason.” 2) I made the relationship an IDOL, (which is anything you focus on more than God.) I worried about us and him all the time, could think of nothing else. 3) Clearly I couldn’t fix things myself and he wasn’t cooperating, so I needed Divine Intervention. 4) This dissatisfaction I felt was stimulus to make change. I went hard after God for ANSWERS, and a plan, and then… the The DeVos Urban Leadership Initiative, a Divine intervention and learning opportunity, showed up right in the knick of time, saved me and changed my life.
Let me give you a little secret: When EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE GETS ON YOUR NERVES, don’t hate your life… take the hint and push for your next level. If you need help… CLICK HERE .