Remember that moment in the movie Avatar (20th Century Fox, 2009) when Nav’i princess Neytiri looked deep into the eyes of her human lover Jake Sully’s eyes and said, “I see you”? I usually find a line or two in every movie that frames it…. and that line simple but yet quite profound - did it for me. How many of us just want to be seen, but beyond that, we want to be understood, cherished… valued? I think that’s everybody, according to Maslow’s (1943) Hierarchy of Needs.
Several years ago I took a class called Thrive. It focused on relationships and how the brain develops, or lack thereof, during the early developmental stages. It might surprise you to learn how our behavior, desires and needs continue to roll on and even drive us to possess what we didn’t receive during our formative years. On a personal level, I always “low-key” felt that the inability for people to show affection or make commitments was some type of disorder. Aaaaaaand I was right. Don’t get me wrong… the inability to maintain healthy relationships is a real thing many people struggle through (including myself, which is why I took the class in the first place). Because this thing is multifaceted the roots run deep and spread out into many, many directions.
The article “Understanding Adult Attachment Disorders” writer Nicola Davies, PhD lays it out so clearly. She describes Attachment Disorders as “lacking the ability to connect with other individuals and form meaningful relationships.” She further mentions and I paraphrase, “For over 70 years Psychologists confirm that the ability to form healthy emotional relationships as adults is directly related to the child/caregiver relationship.” What this means, is if a parent neglected to connect emotionally (and physically) to their infant or child during the vital development years that literally affects the brain’s growth in that area.
WHY the disorder is developed:
· A child is constantly left to console itself (cry itself to sleep)
· Child is ignored when they fall and hurt themselves
· Parent seems annoyed when their child calls their name or wants to spend time
· Very little to no Parent/child connecting, conversations, learning moments, affection, intimate moments.
There are other reasons why. But the point is, in the absence of vitally needed interactions a child must depend on SELF. They develop ways to sooth and comfort their own emotions and over time the child establishes an “I don’t need anybody” mentality. They crave a relationship but lack the ability to be attached or depend on others. One might say, he/she is overly exposed but underdeveloped emotionally.
Sure, not every parent is touchy feely, or comfortable with showing affection (it’s hard to give what you never received). But this brokenness, will trickle into next generation and the next and the next, unless it is corrected.
Here is a simple fix: When you come across someone you care for… Look them in the eyes (with happy eyes), give them a REAL hug (not the pat, pat, pat, type) and let them know you are genuinely happy to see them. What that does for you (and the other person) is this, according to the book: The Life Model (James G. Friesen, et al, 2000) when we see each other and my happy-to-see-you eyes meet your happy-to-see-me eyes an energy is exchanged. That energy activates the part of our brain and produces serotonin, which in turn gives you an exhilaration and feeds your soul. They say, ‘The eyes are the door to the soul.” Each time you lovingly connect souls in this way, you heal the brain. Try it and see how goooood it feels to be “seen”!
