The POWER of SELF-Love

“Self-love is an ocean and your heart is a vessel. Make it full and your excess will spill over into the lives of the people you hold dear. But you must come first.”

Beau Taplin

You can’t pay anyone from an account with a negative balance how much more with love. (That’s mine.) We do some crazy things just trying to feel loved. Love is a thing you must already have on the inside to be able to give it away. I know sounds simple maybe even contrite… but it is soooo sooo true. Let me let you in on a little secret… and not all of you will receive this, but…

GOD IS LOVE. And you will never, never… hear me… ever experience love the way it was meant without Him. He created it, he knows all about it, and He knows how to instruct others to fully give and receive it. People who attempt to love without knowing God can be compared to entering a house through the window, yeah you got in, buuutttttttt… admit it, it wasn’t the best way, because it didn’t last. Real love lasts forever. You don’t fall into OR out of love. Love is a decision, a commitment.

I really want to be clear, when I talk about SELF-love (Philautia) I mean having respect for one’s self. I mean liking, caring for, protecting, catering to, occasionally splurging on, establishing identity and worth. But what I am not talking about is narcissism. A narcissist's whole thing is taking care of #1, first, primarily, only. But that is not AGAPE! That is a form of brokenness that can only be fixed through transformation of one’s spirit and mind (and forgiveness.)

If I were to ask you, “Do you love yourself?” Most people would say, “Sure, I love myself” but in all honesty have not actually taken the time to KNOW themselves. You look in the mirror and say I like this or I don’t like that about my body or hair… but I’m talking about the SELF, the real you, the inner man/woman. Go with me for a moment, yes… use your imagination. What if there was a knock on your door. And when you opened it found a very tall box. You drag it into the house and open it to find … A spot-on replica, a clone of YOU. After the shock and fear wears off you call it by your name and it comes alive. You spend a week with you, not tell me. Would you like, even love yourself? Or would you get on your own nerves, lol? What are the things you would do to make you fall in love with you? And could you handle it? Well clearly unless you can love yourself, it will be totally impossible to love others. The bottom line is, when you give and give from your account (your love bank) and you don’t get what you need in return… you have to make your own deposits.

Yes you can still love yourself and feel lonely. That doesn’t not mean you are alone. Go be with or Face Time people that love you and soak up their love. Go spend sometime with God, for in His presence you will find the fullness of joy and peace. Its the only place you can be YOURSELF and receive unconditional, limitless, love. And if you struggle to find your own goodness, and identity and worth… just have a conversation. You see, God knows you better than you do yourself and if you are open to hearing he will answer every question you ask. Here’s one that works: “God help me to see myself the way you see me? Its not off limits to ask: Why do I feel the way I do, or what wrong with me?” Or “Help me to love myself” Just get somewhere and be still, open your heart and give it a try... The conversations will change your life… I promise. In these ways you can LEARN TO LOVE YOUR SELF. Change your focus from looking for love to loving yourself. Get a journal to capture your feelings, hopes, prayers and dreams. Read books, talk to people, and practice, showing your own self the time of your life and before you know it, the love you’re hoping for will show up.

Books To Read:

Sacred Pampering Principles by Debrena Jackson Gandy

Esteemable Acts by Francine Ward

The Power of I AM by Joel Osteen

Shattered and Unworthy

So, we’re on this Self-Development journey together you and me… and I want to get naked (up close and personal) figuratively speaking, lol. I wanna share part of my story.  (Someday I would love to hear yours too.) I love getting compliments.  It makes me giggle when people tell me I’m pretty. But the truth is, I’ve got good genes.  My mother was a beautiful queen, classy, sassy, and fierce! AND she had a great personality.  Dad was “one of those Cross boys” … I’m pretty sure that meant “fine and popular with the ladies.”  He came from, I was told, a long line of “Rolling Stones”, men who were mostly married but had a tendency to wander.   

Whoever said “Girls are attracted to guys that remind them of their fathers” was spot on, even if they don’t know it. I’m shaking my head even now as I admit through tighly clinched lips, My Dad “is my type”… minus the “God’s-gift-to-Women” / emotionally unavailable part.

When I was “FLAWLESS” from the time I was 16 to about 24, I loved hearing “damn guhl you fine!” Playing it off with a crooked little smile, I didn’t realize it was feeding something deep inside me. Pschhh, I never have a problem with SELF-Esteem, until I got married and shortly after, pregnant. “Suave,” my young husband, was not unlike my father in that he was light-skinned, had a melt-worthy smile, tight bod, and charismatic personality.  An ex-gang banger and formerly abused kid, he was “Overly exposed but underdeveloped” emotionally. Had I taken seriously his offensive but entirely honest statement “I can’t be with a fat girl” I would’ve got the hell out of dodge immediately! But instead, I put on 60 pounds and true to his word he stopped coming home at night.  As a result, his mom put me out at 8 months pregnant. The residual feelings of rejection and abandonment left from my relationship with my father re-ignited and almost took me out. To top it off, people in our community kept reporting Sauvé’s way-wandering activities, including, according to one dude, ”seeing Rico on every street corner ‘macking it up’ to finer girls than you.” How’s dude gonna tell on Rico and hit on me at the same time…SMH. I can tell you that my SELF-Esteem life was on E (empty) and the light was flashing, flashing, flashing!!

Although my skin glowed, eyes sparkled and my hair was long, thick, and shiny, I couldn’t stand to see myself in the mirror.  I was literally almost twice the woman I had ever been, and I waddled when I walked. I was too much and yet, “not enough” to keep my marriage together and my husband happy. I was angry, hurt and so broken. But then one day God brought Ms. Teal, a lovely, feminine, godly woman, into my life, who restored my SOUL and loved me back to wholeness. Self-esteem, she taught me, was the result of knowing who (and Who’s) you are.  Eventually I realized, it’s not what Rico or anyone else thinks of me… ITS ALL ABOUT WHAT I (YOU) BELIEVE. Uh that’s why it’s called SELF-Esteem. You have to know for yourSELF that you are special, lovely, valuable and worth receiving the best in life (and in love.) I now can look myself in the mirror and say … “Guhl, you fine!” (and mean it.)

Struggling with SELF-Esteem often comes from:

1)      Deficiency Needs; not receiving the benefits of a healthy parent/child relationship

2)     Toxic Relationships and Abuse (Physical and Verbal)

3)     Lack of Identity

4)     Lack of Purpose

HOW TO FIX LOW SELF ESTEEM

ReachOut.com has a great article: “10 tips for improving your self-esteem” in it they say: 1) Be nice to yourself, 2) Do you, 3) Exercise, 4) Be the best version of you, 5) Nobody’s perfect/everyone makes mistakes, 6) Change what you can, 7) Do what makes you happy, 8) Celebrate the small stuff,  9)Be a pal, 10) Surround yourself with a supportive squad.

Good Read: 7 Transformational Principles for a Healthy Soul by Dr. Rob Reimer

For More information on Self Esteem check out my book: 4Self101

Need help on your Soul Restoration journey, I got you, CLICK HERE

I See You

Remember that moment in the movie Avatar (20th Century Fox, 2009) when Nav’i princess Neytiri looked deep into the eyes of her human lover Jake Sully’s eyes and said, “I see you”? I usually find a line or two in every movie that frames it…. and that line simple but yet quite profound - did it for me. How many of us just want to be seen, but beyond that,  we want to be understood, cherished… valued? I think that’s everybody, according to Maslow’s (1943) Hierarchy of Needs.

Several years ago I took a class called Thrive. It focused on relationships and how the brain develops, or lack thereof, during the early developmental stages.  It might surprise you to learn how our behavior, desires and needs continue to roll on and even drive us to possess what we didn’t receive during our formative years.  On a personal level, I always “low-key” felt that the inability for people to show affection or make commitments was some type of disorder. Aaaaaaand I was right. Don’t get me wrong… the inability to maintain healthy relationships is a real thing many people struggle through (including myself, which is why I took the class in the first place).  Because this thing is multifaceted the roots run deep and spread out into many, many directions.   

The article “Understanding Adult Attachment Disorders” writer Nicola Davies, PhD lays it out so clearly.  She describes Attachment Disorders as “lacking the ability to connect with other individuals and form meaningful relationships.” She further mentions and I paraphrase, “For over 70 years Psychologists confirm that the ability to form healthy emotional relationships as adults is directly related to the child/caregiver relationship.” What this means, is if a parent neglected to connect emotionally (and physically) to their infant or child during the vital development years that literally  affects the brain’s growth in that area.  

WHY the disorder is developed:   

·      A child is constantly left to console itself (cry itself to sleep)

·      Child is ignored when they fall and hurt themselves

·      Parent seems annoyed when their child calls their name or wants to spend time

·      Very little to no Parent/child connecting, conversations, learning moments, affection, intimate moments.

There are other reasons why.  But the point is, in the absence of vitally needed interactions a child must depend on SELF.  They develop ways to sooth and comfort their own emotions and over time the child establishes an “I don’t need anybody” mentality. They crave a relationship but lack the ability to be attached or depend on others.  One might say, he/she is overly exposed but underdeveloped emotionally.  

Sure, not every parent is touchy feely, or comfortable with showing affection (it’s hard to give what you never received).  But this brokenness, will trickle into next generation and the next and the next, unless it is corrected.

Here is a simple fix: When you come across someone you care for… Look them in the eyes (with happy eyes), give them a REAL hug (not the pat, pat, pat, type) and let them know you are genuinely happy to see them.  What that does for you (and the other person) is this, according to the book:  The Life Model (James G. Friesen, et al, 2000) when we see each other and my happy-to-see-you eyes meet your happy-to-see-me eyes an energy is exchanged.  That energy activates the part of our brain and produces serotonin, which in turn gives you an exhilaration and feeds your soul.  They say, ‘The eyes are the door to the soul.” Each time you lovingly connect souls in this way, you heal the brain.  Try it and see how goooood it feels to be “seen”! 

Hey Reader (yes you)… I see you… and I am filled with joy, Thank you!