Outside In

In last weeks blog post “Body, Body, Body” we saw and admired the Tight Body. But have you noticed the flood of weight gain and in-home exercise solution ads flying our way lately? Man we’ve always been bombarded by these once a year right after the holidays… but nowww because of COVID (sorry gotta blame just one more thing on it) Peloton, the new exercise mirror, and cell phone fitness apps don’t stop. Its almost unCOOL if you’re not subscribing to something, hhhhhhhhhhh, smh. On the low, low, it really is kinda cool, but it’s all for the enhancement of OUTWARD beauty!  What about our insides - the SELF?

Checking on my online groups, I’m floored by the amount of people that seem fettered to the idea that happiness in relationship starts with “physical attraction.” If you aren’t “beautiful and physically fit” you’re swiped left with a quickness. While outward beauty is beautiful, its only skin deep. Overtime, skin stretches, droops, blotches, and wrinkles and it is certainly not strong enough to support the weight of real relationships. When you see a thing and instantly want it, that’s called lust. Someone who falls in lust, can easily fall back out when appearances change, a once tight figure becomes less fit, bigger, wrinkled… or whatever. And I’m gonna say it… THAT’S SHALLOW., sorry… not sorry. And yes you are right, IT IS MY OPINION, but be honest, wouldn’t you rather have real connection, a ride or die, or a soul mate instead of a cute somebody with no staying power?

Here’s the real issue, because of our unfulfilled needs (and brokenness) we are laid open, sitting ducks for the enemy to tempt, trap and “pick us off.” The funny thing is he levels the same old tired tricks against us, that he’s been using from the the beginning of time. And he has no shame… even tried them on Jesus (and failed) but does that stop him from tempting us with: 1) The Lust of the eyes, 2) The Lust of the Flesh and 3) The Pride of Life (and we keep falling for it.) Instant Gratification is like a cool drink, but it always leaves an after-taste. Building anything on LUST makes as much sense as building a house on the sand… because when the rains and storms come (and they always do) “ish” comes crashing down. And then the scramble is on to put HUMPTY DUMPTY (our broken and bruised SELF) back together again. It happens waay too much.

On top of that, there’s the ENEMY in you, I like to call it The Enemy-in-a-Me, which everyone has. Want proof? It’s the voice that continually loops the message in your head that you’re not ENOUGH or it pushes you, shames you, motivates or coaxes you to do what you know you shouldn’t and then pre-justifies your actions as warranted, necessary or deserved. Every sight, smell and even endorphins are enhanced. Its like a battle for the soul, well… it is. And we continually go around the same mulberry bush until we get frustrated and quit or pass the test and ding, ding, ding go on to the next level.

Just a couple of weeks ago I heard Steve Harvey say on the Strawberry Letter (Radio) “You can’t go outside, to fix what’s inside.” Though talking about infidelity in a relationship, I thought… isn’t that a perfect picture of what most people do to “find” happiness? And that’s the part of Self-Development this post is after! Scooch up close and listen to this: You’re wasting your time searching and searching outwardly to fill “vacuum needs.” You must get answers, wisdom, resources, joy, strength, and direction from a source that can only be accessed/found deep inside of you.  Actually its THE SOURCE, and its the power behind the spark in your spirit. This spark is the “measure of faith” we are all born with. Its what you do with it that makes the difference between life and death. Plug in and get what you need.. or continue to be frustrated and unfulfilled.

So now we’ve come to the end of our ENOUGH series and looook… There a fork in the road. You can go to the left and do what you’ve always done and I promise you, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always gotten. OR… you can continue walking straight ahead, why reinvent the wheel… it’s comfortable here (for now) but future life challenges will make you have to choose anyway in order to move ahead… OR you can come with me to the right, into a space of rest, respite and renewal. There’s sun and water, and a light breeze. But it too is a journey, a place to find. Come back next week and I will show you how to get there and everything you need. “The Oasis”

For more information, on “vacuum needs” see my “FML” blog post series, for Gr8Life Coaching, help with journaling/writing CLICK HERE

Naughty or Nice

Last week we talked about being “NICE” about sweetness, being kind and “Monkies” (issues.) Nope, I’m not summarizing it, you just have to go back and read it, lol. One thing I will say about “being overly nice” is… IT IS A MASK. Don’t get me wrong there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a nice person if its organic and genuine. There is a time and place for everything EVEN being “a little naughty”… But when you’re “overly nice” and you end up in spots you later regret or suffer for (over and over again) there’s a problem. For one thing, your SELF esteem takes a beating, you lose SELF-trust and then there’s the “VITAL SIGNS,” that you don’t see but everyone else does. They’re evidence that a monkie is hiding nearby (uh in you.) I like to call this thing the “Jekyll & Hyde” syndrome. Sounds funny? I just made that up but it’s trying so hard to be good but something of you just won’t cooperate. My struggle was the “good Christian-girl” versus the “Bad-Girl” thing. On one side I desired to be pure and chase… but on the other I used to be like (music please) “IIIII wanna sexxxx you up!” This struggle is real even Apostle Paul said,

“What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise… so that my decisions, such as they are, don’t result in (right) actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.” Rom 7: 16-20, MSG

When you’ve been in the “relationship desert” for a while and the “dry patch” has turned into a dusty road like the one from Cali to Vegas… you start compromising your value system for a little fulfillment. Fortunately, The Spirit within is always willing and ready to take the “Superhero stance” inside of you with one hand on a hip and the other outstretched exclaiming “NOT TODAY SATAN!” But instead of nurturing that thing we tend to accept all the little tasty morsels the world has to offer, which by default shrinks the spirit and blows up our fleshly desires to Hulk status. So when just the right temptation comes along its not rocket science to figure out which will win… the spirit or the body? You know the answer and that’s why when Jekyll is finished playing and the lights come on we mostly feel like crap. Unless you get tired of being a hypocrite, doing the same things the same way, those monkies will just keep growing and taking more control.

THE GOOD NEWS

90% of this behavior is subconscious and the other 10% are the rotten decisions you continue to make. Previously I did a 5-post series called “FML” (Fix My Life) which explained “vacuum needs.” In case you didn’t catch the posts, a vacuum need is like a black hole developed when we didn’t receive what we needed as a child. And it can be many needs like attachment, affection, attention, and security – those things that build your IDENTITY and creates a healthy SELF (or not.) Anyhow, these “needs” NEEEEEEED to be filled, or you are subconsciously compelled, propelled to fill the needs on your own. In fact the striving won’t stop, can’t stop until the “black hole” is filled - it’s the feeling that happiness can’t be had until this thing is filled, resolve… made right.

How to FIX this thing

This Jekyll & Hyde thing is as much about your identity as it is about dealing with (ridding yourSELF of) your monkies. The goal is to take off the mask permanently and to be consistently genuinely YOU in every situation. Oh yeah, it’s gonna take a made-up mind, determination and work. This is not a formula and I am not a therapist (ya might want to get yourself one.) But I can coach you. Try this:

1. Forgive yourSELF for all the bad choices and for hurting yourSELF

2. Seek, Knock and Find (Grab a Bible and read Matt 7:7-8 and Jer 29:13)

3. Find your Monkies, and resolve those issues (get professional help if you need to)

4. Set specific boundaries and don’t crumble (but if you do, get up, forgive & try again)

5. Don’t put yourSELF (or follow or go) into those tempting situation

6. Get an accountability partner and do OTHER FUN THINGS.

Get solid on the inside, and you will see the changes outside. And if you need help, as always I got you, click here. For more info on Monkies, Breaking Bad Habits, Boundaries, and SELF-Care, get your copy of 4SELF 101 here (it’s not just for Teens.)