"Love"

Heyyy, sorry I’ve been away for a minute, thanx for rockin wit me. So today I’m starting a new series about that nasty four letter word… “L-O-V-E, love.

If I were to come up to you, look you straight in the eyes and say, “I love you…” I bet half of you would be “creeped out” and want to run and the other half might think sex is sure to follow. Why? I think it’s because there’s been a slow decay evolving love into some soupy, hot and nasty, goo that people are afraid to touch. And if they do touch it, they don’t want to hold onto it for any length of time because it may change their world in some negative way. The word love has become so common, it no longer holds sentimentality, honor or commitment of time or fidelity. In fact we do say, “It’s rare to find the kind of love that lasts for a lifetime.” I don’t think its hard to find that kind of love… I think it’s hard to find a person who has the capacity and fortitude to LOVE forever.

Honestly tho, we all have been born with a LOVE shaped hole in our hearts. WE ALL NEED (not just want) LOVE. And so many people who are impacted by loneliness go out looking for a way, a substance, something to fill that space. Its what I call a vacuum need. And its why dating sites are booming right now and bout to heat for real, for real with the holidays around the corner because loneliness is a real struggle when its freaking cold outside. OK, but the “Looking for love” part is a murky business, like a moat full of alligators – make a wrong step and you could be eaten alive. Surely you have catfish, and WHOREmongers looking for pray… wait, why did I just think of Killmonger from the movie “The Black Panther” (Marvel Studios, 2017) with a mark on his body for every person he’s killed? Well you’ve got those folks out there that use sex like that. Those are they that “get off” converting love into lust. In fact you can’t even watch anything anymore without some sort of sex in it. Sex is sooo common we hardly even notice that stuff anymore. That’s called desensitization.

Its funny, there are those who get… those who rarely get, and those who get got. But that is sex… not love. I mean sex is great but it’s become more powerful than love. Love is meant to last forever but it seems like the priority to FEEL GOOD has taken precedence over honor and commitment. The desire to love in that way has grown cold, while the prospect of various sexual experiences continues to get hotter and hotter. And that’s whats up when you’re young… but you won’t be young forever. Back to the “I love you” scenario at the beginning… I want you to do a little test. Ask yourself, what I would I feel at that moment and why? And then picture what you would you do? (And if you keep a journal write your responses down.) The reason I’m asking you this #1) it’s important to know about your own character especially regarding LOVE, and secondly it may point to some brokenness you may need to fix. Here’s the thing, most of us see “love” differently, and that is because of our experiences. If you’ve had toxic relationships you’re likely to see love as a hurtful thing. If you’ve been abused or hurt over and over again, you may have just turned off the whole feeling factory… just shut the doors, turned off the lights… like nobodies home. And for that person, love doesn’t exist. Love can be fickle, or a “many splendid thing”… but I suggest it’s not love that is jacked up – it’s how we handle it. Human beings have this tendency of defining things in order to them (and people.) And we’ve done that with love. Although love cannot be contained or controlled it’s not the wild fire LUST is. But we struggle to know the difference.

In the next coming weeks we’re gonna get down and dirty talking about love/lust and sex. Be here or be square… Same bat time (Saturday at 12 noon) and same channel...

Outside In

In last weeks blog post “Body, Body, Body” we saw and admired the Tight Body. But have you noticed the flood of weight gain and in-home exercise solution ads flying our way lately? Man we’ve always been bombarded by these once a year right after the holidays… but nowww because of COVID (sorry gotta blame just one more thing on it) Peloton, the new exercise mirror, and cell phone fitness apps don’t stop. Its almost unCOOL if you’re not subscribing to something, hhhhhhhhhhh, smh. On the low, low, it really is kinda cool, but it’s all for the enhancement of OUTWARD beauty!  What about our insides - the SELF?

Checking on my online groups, I’m floored by the amount of people that seem fettered to the idea that happiness in relationship starts with “physical attraction.” If you aren’t “beautiful and physically fit” you’re swiped left with a quickness. While outward beauty is beautiful, its only skin deep. Overtime, skin stretches, droops, blotches, and wrinkles and it is certainly not strong enough to support the weight of real relationships. When you see a thing and instantly want it, that’s called lust. Someone who falls in lust, can easily fall back out when appearances change, a once tight figure becomes less fit, bigger, wrinkled… or whatever. And I’m gonna say it… THAT’S SHALLOW., sorry… not sorry. And yes you are right, IT IS MY OPINION, but be honest, wouldn’t you rather have real connection, a ride or die, or a soul mate instead of a cute somebody with no staying power?

Here’s the real issue, because of our unfulfilled needs (and brokenness) we are laid open, sitting ducks for the enemy to tempt, trap and “pick us off.” The funny thing is he levels the same old tired tricks against us, that he’s been using from the the beginning of time. And he has no shame… even tried them on Jesus (and failed) but does that stop him from tempting us with: 1) The Lust of the eyes, 2) The Lust of the Flesh and 3) The Pride of Life (and we keep falling for it.) Instant Gratification is like a cool drink, but it always leaves an after-taste. Building anything on LUST makes as much sense as building a house on the sand… because when the rains and storms come (and they always do) “ish” comes crashing down. And then the scramble is on to put HUMPTY DUMPTY (our broken and bruised SELF) back together again. It happens waay too much.

On top of that, there’s the ENEMY in you, I like to call it The Enemy-in-a-Me, which everyone has. Want proof? It’s the voice that continually loops the message in your head that you’re not ENOUGH or it pushes you, shames you, motivates or coaxes you to do what you know you shouldn’t and then pre-justifies your actions as warranted, necessary or deserved. Every sight, smell and even endorphins are enhanced. Its like a battle for the soul, well… it is. And we continually go around the same mulberry bush until we get frustrated and quit or pass the test and ding, ding, ding go on to the next level.

Just a couple of weeks ago I heard Steve Harvey say on the Strawberry Letter (Radio) “You can’t go outside, to fix what’s inside.” Though talking about infidelity in a relationship, I thought… isn’t that a perfect picture of what most people do to “find” happiness? And that’s the part of Self-Development this post is after! Scooch up close and listen to this: You’re wasting your time searching and searching outwardly to fill “vacuum needs.” You must get answers, wisdom, resources, joy, strength, and direction from a source that can only be accessed/found deep inside of you.  Actually its THE SOURCE, and its the power behind the spark in your spirit. This spark is the “measure of faith” we are all born with. Its what you do with it that makes the difference between life and death. Plug in and get what you need.. or continue to be frustrated and unfulfilled.

So now we’ve come to the end of our ENOUGH series and looook… There a fork in the road. You can go to the left and do what you’ve always done and I promise you, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always gotten. OR… you can continue walking straight ahead, why reinvent the wheel… it’s comfortable here (for now) but future life challenges will make you have to choose anyway in order to move ahead… OR you can come with me to the right, into a space of rest, respite and renewal. There’s sun and water, and a light breeze. But it too is a journey, a place to find. Come back next week and I will show you how to get there and everything you need. “The Oasis”

For more information, on “vacuum needs” see my “FML” blog post series, for Gr8Life Coaching, help with journaling/writing CLICK HERE

Body, Body, Body

I almost started this blog with a Weight Watchers quote, something about being your own best friend or not being your own worst enemy, but instead I settled on this,

“Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own POWERS, you cannot be successful or happy.” Norman Vincent Peale

And though it may be easier to get disgusted at my fat ankles, I realize that I am much more than my physical flaws. This week we’re talking about the body in all it’s glory.  But I feel like people need to be EMPOWERED, almost given permission to FOCUS less on their bodies and to put more enthusiasm and energy into building who they as a whole. And it starts by VALUING yourSELF. Because what you value, you take extra care of.  You protect, keep safe and place where it can be most appreciated. However, when it comes to SELF we tend to “body shame” and as a result low self-esteem flowers. Health is soooo very important to “HappyLife” but striving to be like Adonis or Barbie is a losing battle, especially if you don’t have the skinny gene, or money to fix it. The world is pushing this workout obsession (especially in January after the holidays ) thanx Peloton, and now the new Workout Mirror…smh. A flawless outward appearance screaming “ALL IS GOOD” means nothing if you’re the walking dead on the inside! I have this friend who works out religiously, he keeps his body looking good, but he’s afraid of the dark and is Identity-challenged, aaaand he wouldn’t know how to keep a good relationship if it fell on him (wink wink.) … i mean full of fear and just stuck emotionally. And then he looks at others like… what’s wrong with you? I be like… dude for real?

There are tons of people out there that put more value on outwardness (appearances and material stuff.) How many people do you know that pride themselves on eating right and looking good but are emotionally jacked and don’t know how to deal with people? You know folks that won’t eat any animal products but sees nothing wrong with using and discarding others? I mean wasn’t it Jesus who said, “Its not what you put into your body that defiles or ruins you, it’s what comes out.” Clearly that means health, being right, is more than what you put in your body because whatever you put in always has a way of coming out (unless you’re stopped up somewhere and that’s a whole nuther blog post, CHECK BACK NEXT WEEK, lol.)

You got to feed your body, yes and good food, pure food is optimum. But equally as important, even more so, is what you’re feeding your mind and your spirit? Are you surfing the net and gorging yourSELF on explicit content, or other people’s nonsense and drama? Are you gaming more than creating? Are you swiping left more than you are connecting to people in real time? Does what you listen to and watch on t.v. numb or inspire your mind? If you feed yourself with junk, guess what will pour out into your world?

We talked about diamonds a couple of weeks ago,,, from coal under pressure to being cut and showing brilliance. And then there’s gold, which has been a commodity and source of value forever. Everyone knows the purer it is the more valuable it is. Think of yourSELF as Gold. Have you notice people that surround themselves with drama and negativity have a lot more issues and stress? Did you know stress and unforgiveness brings on dis-ease and can shorten your life? Rid yourSELF of impurities of these impurities and see how the quality of your life rises.

So, my bottom line is if you’re truly striving for a healthy and happy life, don’t just feed your body well (and exercise) you also must do the same for your mind and spirit. Love, value and honor yourSELF by choosing the right friends, and activities. Guard your heart, guard your ears and your eyes, for what goes in will definitely come out and affect your world. And lastly remember to grow, grow your gifts, use your talents, expand your mind, love more, laugh louder, sing and dance like no one is looking. And never, never dumb yourself down for temporary gratification. Let your beauty shine! You’re more brilliant than diamonds and precious than gold. And you’re more powerful than you know. It’s your POWER to be the best you can be, don’t let anyone take that away from you.  YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Having a hard time seeing/feeling it? I can help, as usual I GOT YOU! Click here

Lookin' Like a Snack

Ever been night driving headed towards some train tracks when the lights begin flashing signaling an approach train?  What’s the first thing you do… consider how much time and space you’ve got before the arms come down?  Its like, if you don’t floor it now you could get stuck (for God knows how long)… Seems like trains come at the most inopportune times, don’t they?

Don’t you wish there was such a thing, flashing lights and protective arms, to signal and protect you from the train wrecks of life?! I do, seems like life would be so much easier… come to think of it there is something! It’s called the “still quiet voice” (check out blog entry “He speaks”t.) but we often miss it because the world is sooooo loud with all it’s distractions. For real, its so much easier to just grab your cell phone and scroll through Social Media rather than take the time and energy to get still and meditate (or pray.)  Its just what we do, over 3.196 BILLION people worldwide hit up Facebook, What’s App, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, YouTube, and TikTok each day for inspiration, motivation, or entertainment (Deyan G, techjury.net, 3/19/2021).

And what’s on social media? All kinds of people doing all kinds of things… make-up artists, fitness vlogs, singers, dancers, artists, etc. all in their “flawless glory.”  Pschhh, get on social media lookin’ crazy… most people won’t do it. Flawlessness is constant and is in full effect 24/7… even if it’s mainly filters, lighting and angles. Aaaand then, its back to reality,. We look at ourselves and see less than perfect bodies…we’re either too skinny or too fat, almost perfect except for the belly or jiggly thighs, we’re apple/pear/hourglass shaped, too dark, (or too white, haaaa), hair too straight, too course, too thin, too curly, boobs too big or not big enough, butt too big or too flat and the list of what we dislike about ourselves just goes on and on. With all this stuff constantly before our eyes, you just can’t help but compare yourself to what is seen. Most of the time we come up short, not ENOUGH.

HOW TO STOP THE MADNESS (COMPARING)

First of all how do you compare apples to oranges? Tho they are both fruit, it’s obvious they are basically different from one another in looks, taste, and smell. As humans it’s the same thing… we just must know is diversity is beautiful. Why not celebrate differences rather than look down on them. Decide to come away from auto-pilot thinking. Try this…

Step One: KNOW YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE, and realize there will never be another you.  You are uniquely you and you were  awesomely and wonderfully made. You are the result of a DIVINE DESIGN and you have a purpose in life that only you can fulfill. So slow down and take some time to rediscover your SELF.  Start by finding 2 things in yourSELF that you like (if you get stuck ask someone that knows you well.) Try to improve your weak points and play up and appreciate your strengths. Step two: Decide not to compare yourSELF to anyone again! STOP it! And stop it now, because it’s SELF abuse! Catch the negative SELF-talk that happens when you compare and STOP IT IMMEDIATELY! Leave the site, shut it down… and redirect your focus! Step Three: Look in the mirror and compliment yourSELF, don’t wait for others to do it. But if you notice words in your head that are screaming louder than your positive affirmations- you may need to wipe clean and reprogram your mental hard drive. Repeated verbally abusive, careless hurtful words and bullying acts create grooves in the fabric of our minds (like a worn carpet) and they don’t just go away with time. Particularly damaging are things like: “You’re fat like your Momma,” “You’re no good just like your dad” “you’re a pudgy little thing,” “you’re stupid,” “you’re ugly”  “you’re too skinny” “you’re shaped funny” “nobody likes you” or “you were a mistake”… Listen! You WERE NOT A MISTAKE! You were chosen. Remember the swimming sperm video in sex education? Thousands looking for an egg… No body knows how the selection is made or how many eggs there were… but somehow you were chosen. And the fertlization and development frenzy began for you. Did you know that you’ve been given a unique purpose & destiny and specific gifts to accomplish them? It’s true. 3) Find out what your Purpose is, discover what your gifts are and get to work on a plan to change the world in your own way. Self-Development and pursuing your purpose are LIFETIME endeavors. If you STAY IN YOUR OWN LANE and focus on those 2 things when you’re bored you shouldn’t have time to worry about all the junk flying in your face on social media.  If you find yourSELF stuck, get some help (click here.)

Next week:  Enough! Part II: Body, Body, Body

ENOUGH!!

Have you ever seen that movie with J Lo called ENOUGH!!! The character she played was a victim of Domestic Abuse, fearing for her life with no one to rescue her, she basically defended herself in a way that… uh ended badly for him.

There’s a sober part of me (the size of a chihuahua) that says… “Awww he died” but the larger part of me says “That joker had to go!” And it reminds me of the demonic inner voice screaming “on loop” (continuous repeat) “YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH.” I guess the movie’s message is more of a Self-Development metaphor… What grand delusion gives you the right to tear me down and create a prison that forces me to remain there? As if you get to define me and determine my worth. And if I don’t comply, I should expect to get beat back into submission or ignored? Oh, no… The Devil is a Lie! I’m sure at her lowest point… through tears she wondered how she got confined to this space. Even though this is only a movie, the sad thing is it’s happening for real somewhere… probably right now. Also happening more than I would like, is how we INTERNALIZE harsh treatment and words (that we can’t get free of) which produces low SELF esteem and SELF-worth.

So I’m starting a series to exorcize those demons of low SELF-worth. There is no way to have a happy life if you are not starting with a well-put together SELF. A healthy SELF is the foundation of everything you want to happen in your life. Soooooo… Lets jump into STINKIN’ THINKIN’ aka your thought life. Nothing makes me grit my teeth like hearing someone say “YOU MAKE ME… ______” whatever, fill in the blank. Let me tell you why…. We give people too much power over who we are. How many times have we approached the “seeking a relationship” place and we show up like we’re the one interviewing for a job? Starting off with a list of things we want, and then we spot an option and then go after it doing whatever is needed to seal this deal? Wait… how did the tables turn? No no, we need to go in strong knowing … not knowing but “BEING me” (who you really are.) But you have to be alright with who you are, first.

If I’m not presenting the best me I can be, doesn’t it make sense to close it down (whatever it is) and pull it all together before exposing myself to the elements? Demons, negativity… bad energy is attracted by BROKENNESS. If you are thirsty and your glass is broken, you set yourSELF up for failure (and all the pain that goes with it.) Fix your glass first… no even better, get rid of the broken glass and get yourSELF a shatterproof pitcher so that you can get what you need and share the rest.

But the problem we face is working with what we’ve got. And what you’ve got IS ENOUGH, for now – until you can do better. Never let anyone “make you feel” less than. I like to say, “I Am who iam” (by the grace of God) take it or leave it, I DON’T CARE. Why don’t I care, because I need to be the best I can be for me first, so what I’m giving to the world is excellent … and anything good that comes out of that is just gravy. Feel free to adopt it, if you want. But it all starts in your mind. What are you thinking? Are you comparing yourSELF to others, what the world says is beautiful? Thin, blond and blue used to be all the rage… but now the world is saying something different. You can’t be moved by the world or what people say, because people are fickle. You have to know, that your physical make up is mostly genetic even though it’s up to you to exercise and eat right. If you come from sturdy, thick people… GET OVER IT, YOU’LL NEVER BE BARBIE. But you can fix up and work what you got! Address the basics: 1) Keep your body clean and smelling good, 2) Fix your hair in funky fresh ways (or simple, and neat is good), 3) Design your own style of dressing… create a SELF-image that you like and 4) Compliment yourSELF (don’t wait on others to do it.)

How do you overcome a negative SELF-image and comparing yourself to others? Come back next week, that’s where we will start.

For more on The SELF and SELF-concept grab your copy of 4SELF 101 here (its not just for Teens.)