Outside In

In last weeks blog post “Body, Body, Body” we saw and admired the Tight Body. But have you noticed the flood of weight gain and in-home exercise solution ads flying our way lately? Man we’ve always been bombarded by these once a year right after the holidays… but nowww because of COVID (sorry gotta blame just one more thing on it) Peloton, the new exercise mirror, and cell phone fitness apps don’t stop. Its almost unCOOL if you’re not subscribing to something, hhhhhhhhhhh, smh. On the low, low, it really is kinda cool, but it’s all for the enhancement of OUTWARD beauty!  What about our insides - the SELF?

Checking on my online groups, I’m floored by the amount of people that seem fettered to the idea that happiness in relationship starts with “physical attraction.” If you aren’t “beautiful and physically fit” you’re swiped left with a quickness. While outward beauty is beautiful, its only skin deep. Overtime, skin stretches, droops, blotches, and wrinkles and it is certainly not strong enough to support the weight of real relationships. When you see a thing and instantly want it, that’s called lust. Someone who falls in lust, can easily fall back out when appearances change, a once tight figure becomes less fit, bigger, wrinkled… or whatever. And I’m gonna say it… THAT’S SHALLOW., sorry… not sorry. And yes you are right, IT IS MY OPINION, but be honest, wouldn’t you rather have real connection, a ride or die, or a soul mate instead of a cute somebody with no staying power?

Here’s the real issue, because of our unfulfilled needs (and brokenness) we are laid open, sitting ducks for the enemy to tempt, trap and “pick us off.” The funny thing is he levels the same old tired tricks against us, that he’s been using from the the beginning of time. And he has no shame… even tried them on Jesus (and failed) but does that stop him from tempting us with: 1) The Lust of the eyes, 2) The Lust of the Flesh and 3) The Pride of Life (and we keep falling for it.) Instant Gratification is like a cool drink, but it always leaves an after-taste. Building anything on LUST makes as much sense as building a house on the sand… because when the rains and storms come (and they always do) “ish” comes crashing down. And then the scramble is on to put HUMPTY DUMPTY (our broken and bruised SELF) back together again. It happens waay too much.

On top of that, there’s the ENEMY in you, I like to call it The Enemy-in-a-Me, which everyone has. Want proof? It’s the voice that continually loops the message in your head that you’re not ENOUGH or it pushes you, shames you, motivates or coaxes you to do what you know you shouldn’t and then pre-justifies your actions as warranted, necessary or deserved. Every sight, smell and even endorphins are enhanced. Its like a battle for the soul, well… it is. And we continually go around the same mulberry bush until we get frustrated and quit or pass the test and ding, ding, ding go on to the next level.

Just a couple of weeks ago I heard Steve Harvey say on the Strawberry Letter (Radio) “You can’t go outside, to fix what’s inside.” Though talking about infidelity in a relationship, I thought… isn’t that a perfect picture of what most people do to “find” happiness? And that’s the part of Self-Development this post is after! Scooch up close and listen to this: You’re wasting your time searching and searching outwardly to fill “vacuum needs.” You must get answers, wisdom, resources, joy, strength, and direction from a source that can only be accessed/found deep inside of you.  Actually its THE SOURCE, and its the power behind the spark in your spirit. This spark is the “measure of faith” we are all born with. Its what you do with it that makes the difference between life and death. Plug in and get what you need.. or continue to be frustrated and unfulfilled.

So now we’ve come to the end of our ENOUGH series and looook… There a fork in the road. You can go to the left and do what you’ve always done and I promise you, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always gotten. OR… you can continue walking straight ahead, why reinvent the wheel… it’s comfortable here (for now) but future life challenges will make you have to choose anyway in order to move ahead… OR you can come with me to the right, into a space of rest, respite and renewal. There’s sun and water, and a light breeze. But it too is a journey, a place to find. Come back next week and I will show you how to get there and everything you need. “The Oasis”

For more information, on “vacuum needs” see my “FML” blog post series, for Gr8Life Coaching, help with journaling/writing CLICK HERE

SELF-Aware

I’ve been working on this idea of SELF-ology for over 15 years now. By SELF-ology I mean the science of Self-Development, as it pertains to strategically assessing and repairing the INNER PERSON and working to create a tailor-made holistic life that brings happiness. So many of us attack life from a place of brokenness, instead of living a life that is authentic to SELF, a SELF that operates from its highest best. It’s so easy to say focusing on SELF is a  selfish thing, but I scream … NOT SO! And here’s why… If you live to please others or are a zombie inside, you’ll eventually harm the people you’re closest you. We all have cracks (forms of brokenness) because we are human, nobody is perfect. And if you say you are, you’re lying, straight up. We’re all out here trying to survive, but surviving is not the goal… Truly Living is, happily, no more than that… SATISFIED.

If you’ve been tracking wit me for the last couple of weeks, we’ve been taking a SELF-ology view of Self-Development as based on the Hierarch of Needs (Maslow’s.1943.)  This is unique because even though we are all individuals, just out here in these streets trying to survive, lol,  We are all different, but at our base, we are all the same, Spirit (Life), Soul (mind, will, and emotions) and a Body. Who we are is pretty much in developmental flux from Birth to about 10 years old. Whether we grow up in a healthy environment that gave us what we needed (through parent/child relationship) or not determines what type of foundation we live from. Most of us grew up in dysfunctional homes which left us with cracks that we are still living with, be it known or not. And Imma I’m just gonna be blunt here… there’s no way to get to a “completely happy/satisfied life” with cracks in your SOUL. There’s just no way… There is settling for levels of happiness and faking the funk for the rest. But even that is a little dysfunctional, right? Getting what we need, making those cute little wrinkles in our brains have made a healthy foundation for life, but not getting what we need has left our brain under-developed in ways that created what I call “vacuum needs” leaving us with cracks (aka some brokenness.) And when damaged people can’t or won’t fix those cracks, they avoid, shut down (that zombie life), or self-medicate.  

So, we’re at the top level now:  Self-Actualization. Psychologists say this place is all about coming into your own, being the best you can be, completing all that you want to and meant to do in life... ARRIVING! And may I say, not everyone fully accomplishes this level in their lifetimes.  I think it was Dr. Myles Monroe who said, “The graveyard is the richest place on earth because it’s filled with unrealized goals and unfulfilled dreams.”

Writer Kendra Cherry comes up with “9 Characteristics of Self-Actualized People” in her article (verywellmind.com) including Being Realistic, Problem-Centered, AUTONOMOUS, Enjoys solitude and privacy, have a philosophical sense of humor, are spontaneous, and Enjoy the Journey.  While I agree with her bottom line, I feel like the part of HOW you get there is missing.  Her answer is an example of what a WHOLE SOUL looks like but it’s kinda like the chicken and the egg argument. Truthfully But, if you really want to get to the heart of Self-Actualization you have to go deeper than LOOKS.

Let me cut to the chase it’s almost impossible to get the most of life if you are not whole (nothing broken and nothing missing.) It’s like trying to eat an orange for the first time.  It smells so good, but how do you get to the good stuff? Well, if you did the most obvious thing and bit into it… you would get orange-peel in your mouth, yuck! Take it from someone who knows, ya peel it, stick your thumb in the end separate the slices and then bite and enjoy. Mmmmm. Sometimes you just need someone who knows to help.  And what I know is, Self-Actualization is more than experiences, it’s a spiritual journey, an awakening. Truly living life is not about arriving at a destination, it’s about learning and about using all your senses to enjoy the trip.  Like on any trip you need a few things: 1) Purpose / Destination, 2) Safe shelter, 3) Companionship, 4) Thoughtfulness/Awareness and 5)The Satisfaction of getting there. Ain’t life just like that? Look closely at the list of things, it’s all 5 of the Hierarchy of Needs. I have to say it, Self-Actualization is a LIFETIME journey and the best map you could ever have is The Way, The Truth, and The Life.  It’s really a person and not a thing. The funny thing about Complete and Total Self-Actualization is… Once you’ve “Arrived” it’ll soon be time to go to the next place.