Outside In

In last weeks blog post “Body, Body, Body” we saw and admired the Tight Body. But have you noticed the flood of weight gain and in-home exercise solution ads flying our way lately? Man we’ve always been bombarded by these once a year right after the holidays… but nowww because of COVID (sorry gotta blame just one more thing on it) Peloton, the new exercise mirror, and cell phone fitness apps don’t stop. Its almost unCOOL if you’re not subscribing to something, hhhhhhhhhhh, smh. On the low, low, it really is kinda cool, but it’s all for the enhancement of OUTWARD beauty!  What about our insides - the SELF?

Checking on my online groups, I’m floored by the amount of people that seem fettered to the idea that happiness in relationship starts with “physical attraction.” If you aren’t “beautiful and physically fit” you’re swiped left with a quickness. While outward beauty is beautiful, its only skin deep. Overtime, skin stretches, droops, blotches, and wrinkles and it is certainly not strong enough to support the weight of real relationships. When you see a thing and instantly want it, that’s called lust. Someone who falls in lust, can easily fall back out when appearances change, a once tight figure becomes less fit, bigger, wrinkled… or whatever. And I’m gonna say it… THAT’S SHALLOW., sorry… not sorry. And yes you are right, IT IS MY OPINION, but be honest, wouldn’t you rather have real connection, a ride or die, or a soul mate instead of a cute somebody with no staying power?

Here’s the real issue, because of our unfulfilled needs (and brokenness) we are laid open, sitting ducks for the enemy to tempt, trap and “pick us off.” The funny thing is he levels the same old tired tricks against us, that he’s been using from the the beginning of time. And he has no shame… even tried them on Jesus (and failed) but does that stop him from tempting us with: 1) The Lust of the eyes, 2) The Lust of the Flesh and 3) The Pride of Life (and we keep falling for it.) Instant Gratification is like a cool drink, but it always leaves an after-taste. Building anything on LUST makes as much sense as building a house on the sand… because when the rains and storms come (and they always do) “ish” comes crashing down. And then the scramble is on to put HUMPTY DUMPTY (our broken and bruised SELF) back together again. It happens waay too much.

On top of that, there’s the ENEMY in you, I like to call it The Enemy-in-a-Me, which everyone has. Want proof? It’s the voice that continually loops the message in your head that you’re not ENOUGH or it pushes you, shames you, motivates or coaxes you to do what you know you shouldn’t and then pre-justifies your actions as warranted, necessary or deserved. Every sight, smell and even endorphins are enhanced. Its like a battle for the soul, well… it is. And we continually go around the same mulberry bush until we get frustrated and quit or pass the test and ding, ding, ding go on to the next level.

Just a couple of weeks ago I heard Steve Harvey say on the Strawberry Letter (Radio) “You can’t go outside, to fix what’s inside.” Though talking about infidelity in a relationship, I thought… isn’t that a perfect picture of what most people do to “find” happiness? And that’s the part of Self-Development this post is after! Scooch up close and listen to this: You’re wasting your time searching and searching outwardly to fill “vacuum needs.” You must get answers, wisdom, resources, joy, strength, and direction from a source that can only be accessed/found deep inside of you.  Actually its THE SOURCE, and its the power behind the spark in your spirit. This spark is the “measure of faith” we are all born with. Its what you do with it that makes the difference between life and death. Plug in and get what you need.. or continue to be frustrated and unfulfilled.

So now we’ve come to the end of our ENOUGH series and looook… There a fork in the road. You can go to the left and do what you’ve always done and I promise you, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always gotten. OR… you can continue walking straight ahead, why reinvent the wheel… it’s comfortable here (for now) but future life challenges will make you have to choose anyway in order to move ahead… OR you can come with me to the right, into a space of rest, respite and renewal. There’s sun and water, and a light breeze. But it too is a journey, a place to find. Come back next week and I will show you how to get there and everything you need. “The Oasis”

For more information, on “vacuum needs” see my “FML” blog post series, for Gr8Life Coaching, help with journaling/writing CLICK HERE

Pandoras Box

Confucius said “Better to be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” But, for the person who feels like less is more… you just may be wrong. There’s life in connecting with others through genuine and authentic communication. It ain’t easy, but it is worth it.

Note to writers: Please feel free to share a favorite word in the comments below (I need some word candy in my life). My word for today is RETICENT and it means quiet or restrained. Quiet people get a bad rap because they seem to always be “in their head” which does not necessarily mean that they’re “up to something devious.” Many brilliant people are not very talkative. In fact, being quick to listen or to observe others before putting yourself out there, is a form of wisdom. The only challenge is when people purposely “close off” their emotions (and/or communication) for fear of being abused or rejected by others. Emotions can be very tricky to navigate and hard to deal with especially for those who did not have a healthy space to observe, process and share them growing up. Likewise survivors of Domestic Violence, or abuse automatically shield themselves from toxic feelings and the negative reactions attached to them. When people are “emotionally unavailable” they can be either under-developed or overly exposed. In either case they may find it easier to protect themselves by putting their emotions and all it’s baggage in a tidy little box. They then store it away in a dusty corner of the soul where it’s protected from others by a little monkie called “hurt.”

In SELF-protection mode, some “cold” “unfeeling” and “passionless” people have literally boxed their emotions and become super reserved in order to control their outcomes. But what they don’t understand is the box not only protects their emotions, it also blocks the vitally needed things that are meant to heal and grow them. Yes, dealing with people can be messy and it often requires stretching beyond one’s comfort zone. It’s ok to be in the box for a minute, but while you’re there make the most of your time. Get some counseling, read some books, do a little SELF-care. Do an overhaul of how you show up for people. Did you know treating (or loving) people only in a way that makes YOU feel comfortable is a form of narcissism? A great book to help you with that is “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Shifting your prospective to provide what others need instead of giving them what you want, could make all the difference in the world. And good communication coupled with actions that confirm your words is as vital to relationships as water is to a garden. If you don’t water, and tend your garden, you’ll get no fruit… in fact, all you’ve planted will dry up and eventually die. This next thing is a hard one… VULNERABILITY. Being vulnerable is really scary, especially if you’ve opened up and still experienced loss. Honestly, you can’t have anything real without a little nakedness (spiritually speaking.) Sometimes getting raw and real is what relationships need to progress (not just for dating) … all important relationships go there.

Sometimes listening, ACTIVE LISTENING, is sharing (sharing is caring.) If you aren’t sure what a person needs, JUST ASK THEM (and give them time and space to respond.) Don’t premeditate a response just be present and walk it out together. Expanding your response repertoire (gotta deal with the monkies first, tho) will transform other people’s ability to open up to you.

Now after all this, if you’re still in your box struggling - I want you to consider: Whats important enough to draw you out of there – your children, family, job, partner - how about life and joy? Once you have your “ why” … We (all your loved ones and basically the world) need you to COME ON OUT OF THAT DARN BOX!!! BE present, ready to learn, open, and willing to express yourSELF. Trust in the fact that what is supposed to be, will be and if it’s not meant for you, it won’t remain… let it go. Stop trying to control every outcome and you’ll be surprised by the unexpected blessings that’ll flow your way. Here’s a good start, practice saying these 4 things: “I was wrong and I apologize” “I love you” “I need help” and “I need you in my life.” Finally, learn to praise out loud. Express your thankfulness. And watch how your life change before your very eyes.

If you need help, as always I got you (click here). For more info on Monkies, Communication, and Self-Improvement get you copy of 4SELF 101 here (It’s not just for Teens.)