"No" Can Be a Beautiful Thing

in

Remember throwing a complete tantrum when hearing the words “No” as a child? Shamefully some of us adults are still stuck in that mode… that was me about 5 years ago, but that’s an issue for another time. Noooooo really bites when you want something badly. But here’s the thing about NO, parents that don’t tell their children NO from time are lacking love. Its true! And I will tell you why… Hearing NO builds the ability to problem solve, work through disappointment in a healthy way and adjust. A child that never hears the word NO develops “Broken Fence Syndrome” aka doesn’t understand BOUNDARIES… and an #EntitlementMentality. That’s where someone believes they should have what they don’t necessarily deserve, have not worked towards or earned. And if you don’t give them what they want… they MELT DOWN! Because “NO” does not exist in their world (Mars or Uranus) they don’t know how to process it. Now the reason I say parents are not loving when they don’t OCCASIONALLY say no, they are handicapping their child and setting them up for failure. They only see NOW and not the FUTURE turmoil and utter confusion their child will experience with REJECTION! This behavior, is the fruit of brokenness that parent has to resolve in their own hearts. Not being able to say NO is the “fruit of a bad root.”

But… LEARNING TO TELL yourSELF NO, is one of the best things you could do for yourSELF! It’s a necessary step in developing SELF-Love, SELF-Respect and SELF-Trust. Be honest, how much love do you extend to people you neither respect or trust? You gets nuthin’ from me if I don’t trust or respect you. So how much more does that apply when it comes to SELF?

Y'all know I’m single and dating, right? And I want nothing more than to have A HEALTHY romantic love relationship ...uh with someone else… besides mySELF, #LovingMe. This week, someone left a note on my apartment door saying, “Hi neighbor I’m So-N-So, saw you at our apartment’s Ice Cream event call me anytime.” That’s kinda creepy, but I was mildly curious so I decided to call… several hours later. He introduced himself and I remembered seeing him walking the cutest little dog though the courtyard. Later the next day, while enjoying the “Golden time of the day” (nod to Frankie Beverly and Maze) which I do often… I love Georgia sunsets, I hear someone yelling “Hey Neighbor! Did you get my note?” Mind you, I live on the top floor – yep, a little weird. But I said, “I did, you should bring the baby (the dog) up sometime.” He responded, “Just waiting on the invite.” I wasn’t sure what to make of it and I just felt some uneasy vibes. So I did that thing I do and that is pray for discernment. As the sun was going down I text him to swing by for an on-the-patio chat and he was on my doorstep in 2 minutes. I greeted him and led him directly through my dimly lit apartment to the patio, he seemed surprised that I had a roommate. That gave me pause, but I didn’t want to judge too quickly. I should gather more data before making a determination… I asked questions, he answered and roommie chimed in… we all talked. Asked how long he had the dog, who was so lovingly social… he said “My therapist, told me to get a dog.” Man I wanted so badly to ask, why… but I figured the answer would reveal itself if he kept talking. Well, in about 20 minutes he made his exit. Over the next couple of days we started texting each other. He asked me to come over to his place and I declined. You see, I have a boundary that I’ve set for myself… and that’s not to go over men’s houses I barely know… ESPECIALLY at night. I don’t “Netflix and chill” I know that’s old… but it’s real. He pretended not to understand… (head tilt). After about an hour of texting, he said… oh do you mean sex? He said he understood, but texted me the NEXT 7 hours (text after text) trying to talk me out of my boundary. He explained, coaxed, even tried to manipulate into coming over to his place for an intimate dinner. Finally I said… If I have not been clear… “NO, NO THANK YOU.” And he said, “We are two adults, nothing will happen that we both don’t want to.” And that’s when I knew this horny old man’s elevator didn’t quite reach the top floor. I would’ve told him to lose my number when I found out he has been watching me on my patio for awhile… but I agreed to go to an upcoming party with him. And I wanted to collect a bit more data so that I wouldn’t cut him off prematurely. Determination: I BLOCKED HIM. No, no, no… uh-uh. You see “No” can save your emotions, sanity, your time and even your life.

Back in the day, I may have jumped at this 6’2, seemingly intelligent, financially stable man. But today, I love myself enough to take my time, gather data… AND JUST SAY NO. Setting good boundaries (and keeping them), making good decisions, and being patient has helped me to trust God and myself.” NO” is the most beautiful thing when the results are SELF-Love, High SELF-Esteem, Self-Respect, SELF-Trust and the ability to do what you must to make yourSELF stronger, wiser and a better person. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy - yep it’s gonna take practice. But I promise, it’s gonna be the best step you can take in your SELF DEVELOPMENT - SELF-Care journey today. Get started and remember to say YES to joy.

For more on The Broken Fence Syndrome, Boundaries and SELF-Care, get your copy of 4SELF101, it’s not just for teens.

The POWER of SELF-Love

in

“Self-love is an ocean and your heart is a vessel. Make it full and your excess will spill over into the lives of the people you hold dear. But you must come first.”

Beau Taplin

You can’t pay anyone from an account with a negative balance how much more with love. (That’s mine.) We do some crazy things just trying to feel loved. Love is a thing you must already have on the inside to be able to give it away. I know sounds simple maybe even contrite… but it is soooo sooo true. Let me let you in on a little secret… and not all of you will receive this, but…

GOD IS LOVE. And you will never, never… hear me… ever experience love the way it was meant without Him. He created it, he knows all about it, and He knows how to instruct others to fully give and receive it. People who attempt to love without knowing God can be compared to entering a house through the window, yeah you got in, buuutttttttt… admit it, it wasn’t the best way, because it didn’t last. Real love lasts forever. You don’t fall into OR out of love. Love is a decision, a commitment.

I really want to be clear, when I talk about SELF-love (Philautia) I mean having respect for one’s self. I mean liking, caring for, protecting, catering to, occasionally splurging on, establishing identity and worth. But what I am not talking about is narcissism. A narcissist's whole thing is taking care of #1, first, primarily, only. But that is not AGAPE! That is a form of brokenness that can only be fixed through transformation of one’s spirit and mind (and forgiveness.)

If I were to ask you, “Do you love yourself?” Most people would say, “Sure, I love myself” but in all honesty have not actually taken the time to KNOW themselves. You look in the mirror and say I like this or I don’t like that about my body or hair… but I’m talking about the SELF, the real you, the inner man/woman. Go with me for a moment, yes… use your imagination. What if there was a knock on your door. And when you opened it found a very tall box. You drag it into the house and open it to find … A spot-on replica, a clone of YOU. After the shock and fear wears off you call it by your name and it comes alive. You spend a week with you, not tell me. Would you like, even love yourself? Or would you get on your own nerves, lol? What are the things you would do to make you fall in love with you? And could you handle it? Well clearly unless you can love yourself, it will be totally impossible to love others. The bottom line is, when you give and give from your account (your love bank) and you don’t get what you need in return… you have to make your own deposits.

Yes you can still love yourself and feel lonely. That doesn’t not mean you are alone. Go be with or Face Time people that love you and soak up their love. Go spend sometime with God, for in His presence you will find the fullness of joy and peace. Its the only place you can be YOURSELF and receive unconditional, limitless, love. And if you struggle to find your own goodness, and identity and worth… just have a conversation. You see, God knows you better than you do yourself and if you are open to hearing he will answer every question you ask. Here’s one that works: “God help me to see myself the way you see me? Its not off limits to ask: Why do I feel the way I do, or what wrong with me?” Or “Help me to love myself” Just get somewhere and be still, open your heart and give it a try... The conversations will change your life… I promise. In these ways you can LEARN TO LOVE YOUR SELF. Change your focus from looking for love to loving yourself. Get a journal to capture your feelings, hopes, prayers and dreams. Read books, talk to people, and practice, showing your own self the time of your life and before you know it, the love you’re hoping for will show up.

Books To Read:

Sacred Pampering Principles by Debrena Jackson Gandy

Esteemable Acts by Francine Ward

The Power of I AM by Joel Osteen

LOVE SUPREME

in

I have literally been obsessed over LOVE for a very long time. I’m not talking about stalking someone due to a break up I wasn’t ready for or that sex was so good that I couldn’t get enough... although I’ve been there too. I’m talking about the whole idea of having and maintaining a healthy love relationship and what makes them tick. I can only guess that it started with the divorce of my parents at around Age 3. What I understand partly from personal experiences and partly from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (see below for the links to blog series) is EVERYBODY needs loves. In fact, there is a “love shaped” void in each of our hearts that need, need, needs to be filled. Loneliness is a real MF-fer (sorry just being real) especially during Spring time, and during cold winters nights. Consequently, the pursuit of love can just take over everything. I’m mean it’s not hard to make “finding love” an idol. When you pour all your attention, your energy, hopes and dreams into a thing it becomes a god in your life. Let me be clear, if the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning, even before thanking God for a new day, is check your Instagram, Facebook, TicToc or .... dating app? And you do that religiously… Just saying, that could be worship. I get though, I’m not judging there was a time in my life swiping left or right was my thing, morning noon and night. First thing in the morning, I thanked God for waking me up as I reached for Bumble. Man, I remember when I was out of a job, all that I could think of was getting a new one. I meditated on the situation and money I wanted, location, the duties and the people I could meet… yeah I was obsessed, it was my momentary idol. So, I’m not judging, just calling a spade… a spade.

Anyway, let's get back to the pursuit of love... With COVID, and now Monkey Pox, it’s made it even dangerous to be out there looking. Have you noticed how hard we’re hit with EHarmony’s (ranked 2nd after Zoosk), advertising January 1, as if finding love is the way to start a new year off right (that and working out, so we can attract the new love…) smh. They know EVERYBODY needs love, and the more desperate one gets, they may even pay money for more options. People feel the pang of loneliness and so they seek and seek to fill the void, but the truth is, not everyone has the capacity to have and hold onto healthy love-relationships. Why? Because we are ALL jacked up in one way or another. Who hasn’t been hurt by love? Most girls with the “Absent Daddy Syndrome” give sex hoping it will turn into REAL (and lasting) LOVE (#Agape). I mean if you’re looking for Pragma (enduring love) and you get Eros (erotic), or Storge (family) or Philia (brotherly), for example having amazing sex only to be FRIEND-ZONED, or ghosted… man that stings. And if you have enough toxic interactions/relationships, the damage is like a computer virus on your hard-drive that distorts all memory, making you wonder if good love even exists anymore (#brokenness.) What worse than seeing an old “Playa-Playa” still in the game… you know the one, with his shirt open to his belly-button exposing gray chest hair and a chain (and wearing a pinky ring). Man I just want to say “Fool, go sit your old God-father a$$ down somewhere before you break a hip.” But I digress… There are so many retarded, brain and heart damaged folks (see the last blog post: ) out there serial dating when they have no business looking for the next victim. A person can have 100 different sexual experiences and it doesn’t mean a damn thing if they never end up with REAL and lasting Love. Talk about lonely and bitter! The problem is we know what LUST, but we misunderstand what REAL LOVE is AND we don’t know how to find it. Well lets start from the beginning… Agape is primary and SUPREME to all other forms of love.

REAL LOVE IS….

Unconditional, Consistent and Never ending, its pure, it always hopes for the best. It’s never envious of other people’s good, doesn’t brag about their own achievement or seek their own honor. It builds others up, does not shame or disrespect others their failings, or struggles. Always seeks the best for others. Love never takes offense or is easily irritated. Its patient and kind. It joyfully celebrates honesty. Never takes failure as defeat... it keeps trying and never gives up. Love never stops loving. Perfect love is a SAFE PLACE and it never fails. You can find this list IN A BIBLE (www.bible.com) @ 1 Cor 13:3-7

And NEXT WEEK I WILL TELL YOU HOW TO CAPTURE AND KEEP IT FOREVER.

4SELF Blog Series: Hierarchy of NEEDS

Blah Blah Blah: Mouth to Ear Dis0ease, Danger Danger Hmmmm, Love Me Long Time, Shattered and Unworthy, Self Aware

Ohhhh Momma

in

So it feels weird to say that out loud! FLASH! Why am I suddenly hearing Elvis Presley in my head? When I think of Mothers out there in the media-sphere is see: Lisa Bonet and Zoe Kravits, Goldie Hawn and Kate Hudson, Jada Pinket and Willow Smith, June Shannon and Honeybooboo, uh and if you’ve got some age on ya, u might remember Mommy Dearest (#BetDavis). If you’re like me and didn’t quite “the perfect Mom”, your models might come from multi-media. In the 70’s there were only syndicated families like “Fathers Know Best” “Bewitched” and “The Brady Bunch.” But their families didn’t look like mine. It wasn’t until Good Times with Florida Evans showed the world the struggle- culture of the American Black Family. As spot on as Good Times was, it was only part of the picture. Sampling the lives on the Cosby Show was like a glass of cool water… who can forget the quintessential black mom, Claire Huxtable (Phylicia Rashad) who was both reality and goal. But now there is Blackish and OUR presidential Obama Family.

This week, as you may have guessed, is all about the love between parent and child (#Storg’e Love.) So far it’s the most important of all the LOVES we’ve discussed because it sets the tone, the foundation for all future relationships to come. The love and connection of a mother (or the attention and gravity of the father) can make or break one’s perspective towards handling love. Why is the gaze between a newborn baby and the parent who birthed them so awe inspiring and powerful? I mean its the most divine thing I’ve ever seen. The baby is an empty picture asking/needing to be filled. Not only that, it’s a look of pure love and wonder and satisfaction. It’s an I’ve been waiting a long time for this … and you can see it in their eyes, which they say is the window of the soul.

According to the incredible book “Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You” by James G Friesen, the brain is literally changed by receiving what the baby/child needs from it’s parents during each developmental stage. And when we don’t or brain is literally damaged by the deficiency. Deep huh? Think of the movie The Matrix, the Architect used data, formulas, and scripts to create programs that created and ran a whole world and the people in it.

The interaction between Momma and baby provides the data, scripts and programming their baby will use in every relationship and in connecting with others in their world. For example, think about The Look mentioned above. When Momma looks at baby the message in her eyes has an instant impact. There’s either the “Loving Eyes Look” that says, “I love you and I’m happy to see you.” Which writes: ACCEPTANCE, WORTH, and VALUE on baby’s hard drive. And it literally feels good, the energy of joy, happiness, and belonging is exchanged within the stare and dopamine is released. The brain is nourished in a way that makes it grow in a healthy way. OR there’s the “OMG! What is it now, Irritated Look” in response to baby crying. Baby is crying because it has a need so when Momma appears with harsh seemingly unloving response, trauma happens. Baby’s gaze is met with a cold, unwelcoming, seeming unloving gaze. And this etches “REJECTION/Unwanted, I’m a bother, No love, I am bad” on the soul of the child. Which is like a record that plays over and over inside of the child. Their diaper may have been changed or a bottle given, but emotionally the child was not fed.

What happens to a person if they are not fed? They become malnourished, their growth becomes stunted and eventually they starve to death and die. If this is the case, what happens when a baby requires love and attention and it was withheld, ignored or made to feel bad for having a need? They feel like dying… Over time, people become desperate and willing to do whatever is necessary to live… even manipulate, steal, kill and destroy others. The fact is EVERYBODY NEEDS LOVE, to belong, to be desired and they need security and they need a home (even for their hearts.)

Have you ever felt “retarded” (emotionally stunted), unprepared, not capable of handling the requirements of loving and being loved? Chances are you were robbed of the nourishment you should’ve received as a child. Lack of nourishment, creates vacuum needs and brokenness that causes, Serial Dating, BabyMen Syndrome, Narcissism, Suuper Independence (don’t need anybody), and drama-look at me behavior.

But the good news is… all this brain damage can be reversed. You can actually get what you need and I promise, it will change your life. Meet me here next week and I will tell you how.

Erotic Love

in

MMMmmmm lets talk a little Eros, erotic love. I read this:

“Romance is not in my repertoire, Eva. But 1000 ways to make you come is. Let me show you.” (Quote from Sylvia Day’s erotic novel “Bared to you”)

Let me tell you how that makes me feel… all tingly inside. But continuing with our discussion, its only obvious that sex, even if it’s toe-curling, lip-biting, sheet-grabbing, orgasmic, mind-blowing sex… it does not equate to REAL LOVE. If you have the life-altering experience of that kind of sex, it SHOULD change you, it’s designed that way. Sex is a very powerful thing, just ask any Connoisseur of sex whose skills in the Art of Love-making create addicts. We won’t go into how they seek vulnerable people to self-medicate their own brokenness, for now.

Sex, however good or not, was designed to transform two people, into one. It was originally intended to be the glue of a life-partnership. So yeah, good sex, is addictive. Let me say this… I wish people that have no interest in committed relationships would stop calling sex “love-making” because their purpose is to “get off” not create love. And it’s that type of spirit that has reduced the beautiful, intimate and romantic act of “life-locking” into this common-place extraction of endorphins. Sex has become a social drug and “pushers,” (those who exchange without feelings) find the obsession of others both a blessing and a curse… depending on the situation. I feel the same way about them that I do pan-handlers and addicts begging on the street for money (I am not a fan.) I guess it matters because I want to straighten something out… and that’s how males and females handle “casual sex” differently.

You see although I don’t have an inside tract on how males feel, I think females have a harder time getting over “just sex.” The first time is memorable for mostly everyone but for the most part, dudes can just go home and wash away the experience with a shower. Why it’s different for females is that when a male enters her womb, a secret space (a sort of Pandora's box) – the center of her being a spiritual door is opened, a connection is made, and a piece of him/them stays even after the physical person leaves. If it was mind-blowing great sex, she’ll crave it from him again, and again and again. But the part I don’t want you to miss is ITS A SPIRITUAL CONNECTION. Whether she agrees to a “no strings attached” kinda thing – the war still rages on internally (emotionally, physically, intellectually.) Sure, people can turn it all off, or purposely stop the wanting… but the fact remains every time sex happens a little DNA is left behind (learned that in the Sex Education class in school.) Because “everybody is doing it” (seemingly) its an anomaly to be an old virgin. And so the only way to stifle the emotional connection is to desensitize, which you must do in order to have multiple sexual partners. SMH

Don’t get me wrong, I love sex. It does a body good. If it’s done right… there are no words that can express how it can make a person feel. And everybody wants to wanted, to be doted on, to be the object of a healthy obsession... but for real for real, most people just want to be loved. The problem is, people nowadays seem to lack the capacity for committed long-term relationships. The throw away Cancel Culture is killing us. How do you have REAL LOVE where there isn’t REAL commitment and staying power? I get it, people want to be free to do what feels good… yes by all means be sexually freee… express yourself, give and take to your hearts desire, if that make you happy. I’m just saying use it responsibly. Have some morals about yourself. I’m just saying if you’re gonna reach out and touch someone like that, at least be honest and care, for real. But if you want REAL and LASTING LOVE, you gotta go deeper than that.

For more pillow talk, check back next week.

"Love"

Heyyy, sorry I’ve been away for a minute, thanx for rockin wit me. So today I’m starting a new series about that nasty four letter word… “L-O-V-E, love.

If I were to come up to you, look you straight in the eyes and say, “I love you…” I bet half of you would be “creeped out” and want to run and the other half might think sex is sure to follow. Why? I think it’s because there’s been a slow decay evolving love into some soupy, hot and nasty, goo that people are afraid to touch. And if they do touch it, they don’t want to hold onto it for any length of time because it may change their world in some negative way. The word love has become so common, it no longer holds sentimentality, honor or commitment of time or fidelity. In fact we do say, “It’s rare to find the kind of love that lasts for a lifetime.” I don’t think its hard to find that kind of love… I think it’s hard to find a person who has the capacity and fortitude to LOVE forever.

Honestly tho, we all have been born with a LOVE shaped hole in our hearts. WE ALL NEED (not just want) LOVE. And so many people who are impacted by loneliness go out looking for a way, a substance, something to fill that space. Its what I call a vacuum need. And its why dating sites are booming right now and bout to heat for real, for real with the holidays around the corner because loneliness is a real struggle when its freaking cold outside. OK, but the “Looking for love” part is a murky business, like a moat full of alligators – make a wrong step and you could be eaten alive. Surely you have catfish, and WHOREmongers looking for pray… wait, why did I just think of Killmonger from the movie “The Black Panther” (Marvel Studios, 2017) with a mark on his body for every person he’s killed? Well you’ve got those folks out there that use sex like that. Those are they that “get off” converting love into lust. In fact you can’t even watch anything anymore without some sort of sex in it. Sex is sooo common we hardly even notice that stuff anymore. That’s called desensitization.

Its funny, there are those who get… those who rarely get, and those who get got. But that is sex… not love. I mean sex is great but it’s become more powerful than love. Love is meant to last forever but it seems like the priority to FEEL GOOD has taken precedence over honor and commitment. The desire to love in that way has grown cold, while the prospect of various sexual experiences continues to get hotter and hotter. And that’s whats up when you’re young… but you won’t be young forever. Back to the “I love you” scenario at the beginning… I want you to do a little test. Ask yourself, what I would I feel at that moment and why? And then picture what you would you do? (And if you keep a journal write your responses down.) The reason I’m asking you this #1) it’s important to know about your own character especially regarding LOVE, and secondly it may point to some brokenness you may need to fix. Here’s the thing, most of us see “love” differently, and that is because of our experiences. If you’ve had toxic relationships you’re likely to see love as a hurtful thing. If you’ve been abused or hurt over and over again, you may have just turned off the whole feeling factory… just shut the doors, turned off the lights… like nobodies home. And for that person, love doesn’t exist. Love can be fickle, or a “many splendid thing”… but I suggest it’s not love that is jacked up – it’s how we handle it. Human beings have this tendency of defining things in order to them (and people.) And we’ve done that with love. Although love cannot be contained or controlled it’s not the wild fire LUST is. But we struggle to know the difference.


In the next coming weeks we’re gonna get down and dirty talking about love/lust and sex. Be here or be square… Same bat time (Saturday at 12 noon) and same channel...